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SADLY MOANING HAROLD'S ELECTION COVERAGE...

Yes folks, we're back for an intermittent look at all the fun and games of the 2010 election.

And don't forget, we've been proudly dispensing news and - in our opinion - some of the most highly opinionated opinion you'll find online, to the people of Sydney for a while now!

Sadly Moaning Harold's committment to you: nearly all the news you need to need, nearly everyday.

Your readership is important to us, and your words will be arranged by the next available em, you know, thingy person.

Now with our new paragraph feature!

 

Most Recent Issue: Saturday 24 July 2010

I'm with stupid...
Do they think we’re idiots? I mean really, do they? Sadly, I suspect they do. Tony ‘Absolute Crap’ Abbott versus Julie ‘Citizen’s Assembly’ Gillard. That it’s come to this. At least you know where you stand with Abbott, which is certainly not a recommendation. You know where you stand with a rattlesnake, too, but that doesn’t mean you should start petting it, let alone play Monopoly with it. But Gillard is far more disingenuous. Stay away from the obvious distractions: who gets to be on the assembly, what binding power would it have, for example. These are just a means to keep you watching the moving hand, while the other continues to pump billions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere.

A miner problem
It wasn’t enough that the real rulers of Australia – the actual ‘citizen’s’ assembly of mining billionaires – were allowed to suck the Bejesus out of Kevin Rudd’s mining tax seconds after Gillard came to power. Now others of their ilk are happily trotting out their ‘business as usual’ placards with the thought that despite the last election being won, at least partly, on a promise that the incoming government would Do Something About Climate Change, any decision on the matter has now been further delayed, possibly until after the election after next, possibly until after a ‘Citizen’s Assembly’ of 150 ‘real live men and women of Australia’ (as Gillard described them) get to say aye or nay.

Parliament lite
No matter that we already have – and pay for – an actual parliament of real live men and women (and others – you know who I mean, Barnaby) to represent us. Now we're being asked to accept a Parliament lite on the hill. No matter that we don’t know who these citizens would be or how they would get there. You see how easy it is to get sucked into the vortex of discussing the makeup of the assembly, when we shouldn’t be talking about it at all. It’s just a distraction! Stay away from the lite, and by lite I mean any actual contemplation of who would be on the assembly and just what power, if any, it should have. (That nice Cate Blanchett, obviously, and none are the answers that will get the shortest odds. But I digress – you see how hard it is???)

Journey to the politcal centre of the earth
It’s got to this point because this is really the campaign we had to have, in that our electoral contests have continued spiralling downwards over the years. If it’s bad now, think how much worse the next one will be. The outcries from Tony Abbott, aka 'Pauline Hanson with a crew cut' and Julia Gillard, aka 'Tony Abbott in a pantsuit', are both equally shrill and devoid of actual content or potential for real leadership, let alone anything remotely resembling a new direction for Australia. What procedural makeup the next pair of pretenders will have is too frightening to contemplate.

Where are we going?
We need to establish an actual direction, with a plan for what Australia should look like in the near future which includes answers to the questions of how many buildings it will have in it. Quite how Tony Abbott intends to improve the gaping shortfall in the infrastructure necessary to keep Australia internationally competitive - let alone a comfortable place to live in - with his obsession to drive the budget into immediate surplus is hard to say. And Julia Gillard is equally frightened of a red line under the ledger, so that instead of building the nation both leaders are shying away from it. Where are the new rail links, new ports, new hospitals, new universities, new schools? The answers we’ve had thus far are vague and dispiriting and devoid of content and effectively meaningless.

Who's coming with us?
Immigration needs to be resolved. Perhaps the biggest challenge facing not just this nation, but the world, is the simple matter of facilitating people living close to each other without getting on each other’s nerves. The key to this is leading by example, and emphatically not a 'push the boats back' mantra any more than it is one of 'process them offshore.'

And what should we wear on the trip?
Climate change also needs to be addressed (because we have a moral duty to do so.) What are we going to do when the seas start to rise? Is it yet possible to stave off high tides washing through the streets of Sydney? Many scientists are starting to feel it might be too late already, but all our politicians worry about is how they're going to look to the Joneses next door if they start digging up the front lawn and planting turnips, and how much it will cost in the short term. But turnips (or insert analogical vegetable of your choice here) might be a necessary, but eventually tasty and ultimately cheap, evil. As has been mentioned already, we're going to run out of fossil fuels one day anyway. Why not put the processes in place now to ensure that when the time comes Australia is way ahead in terms of renewable energy technology, which we can then export for fun and profit while simultaneously keeping our feet dry from our vantage point way up on the high moral ground? While munching on all those turnips...

A paucity of policy
We need leadership. The shameless finger pointing, the vague repetitions, the vacuous announcements that currently masquerade as policy announcements just lead to a collective lunge for the remote the moment either aspirant appears on the telly. It’s no wonder that MasterChef becomes a national concern, for although the debate of our two alternative leaders should be of primary importance at this time in Australia’s history, by now most viewers don’t give a stuff and interest over whether Adam or Callum will win trumps concern over the election by a warp factor of several million raised to the power of several million. Which is quite a big number, when you think of it.

Build it and they will come
In treating the Australian population like idiots, Gillard and Abbott and their ilk will merely reap what they sow. They are creating a nation of political apathetics, a population only informed by the smallest soundbite, the tiniest news grab, the most minute contribution to a debate that should be shouted in intimate detail from every rooftop. Instead we have viewers who turn away from the television and shopping centre managers – and apparently there are quite a few lately – banning politicians from their malls. In treating the electorate like idiots our alleged leaders don’t create idiots, they create an uncaring, uninvolved, uninterested electorate – and what this does for democracy in general, and Australian democracy in particular – is quite frightening to contemplate.

Previous Issues

Sunday 18 July 2010

The lesser of two weevils...
So it’s come down to this, a choice between two leaders, one who can’t say anything original, and the other who has to hide what they really think. (I'll you to decide which one suits which description.) As I write, both candidates are out there polluting their respective hustings somewhere, uttering meaningless two word mantras in an effort to locate the stupidest common denominator of their audience as they collectively suck every gram of nuance from the room. What has Australia done to itself to allow us this limited expression of our collective leadership gene pool? Surely, in all the universities and board rooms and union meetings and hundreds of other places where people – responsible people who've had something of an education, who’ve read a few books and who’ve had a bit of think about stuff – gather, there are a couple of better candidates than these pair?

Dumb and dumberer
One is fresh from knifing a leader who, while not the most erudite fellow on the block, probably had at least a few ideals lurking in there somewhere, and the other has, well, done the same thing, really. Our current PM replaced a leader derided for his capacity to stay ‘on message’, whcih is to say he would only parrot the few phrases the focus groups had indicated would win him the last election, to the point where he became derided as the Ruddbot. It appears, though, that Julia Gillard is the Ruddbot Mark II, the Gillandroid, which is both harder to say and more difficult to imagine – who would have thought that we could be saddled with two consecutive Prime Ministers with such limited oratorical skills? Tony Abbot, on the other hand, is a self-confessed liar whose carefully rehearsed grin could quite easily conceal an enormous gulf lurking dangerously between his promises and his actual intentions.

Self flagellation for fun and profit
Really, what has Australia been doing to itself since the demise of John Howard that it’s come to this? Is this the political manifestation of a national hairshirt, the penance of self-inflicted punishment for the crime of glorifying John Howard for such a sustained period, or for dumping him so ignominiously once we finally decided he’d gone too far? Should we be blaming ourselves for the awful condition we now find ourselves in?

Us or them?
Or should we be blaming the politicians who these days are moulded purely on expediency, so we never hear actual honesty? These are people, after all, who can never admit to a sin, who are continually shrouded – like Pig Pen from Peanuts – in a dirty miasma arising from their continual attempts to draw a line between core and non-core, between scripted remarks and those made off-the-cuff, so that all the things they say are now quite meaningless?

Them or us?
Or do we blame the pundits, forced to fill ever increasing hours of airtime with fewer and fewer actual examples of datum. After all, they are out there now, a few steps behind selected elected folk, searching and scrabbling for the smallest morsel of scandal and outrage in order to masquerade waffle as actual news.

Bring back Baby John
Perhaps it’s a combination of all of the above, an acknowledgment of disgruntlement on a continental scale, a realisation that we’re fed up with the lot of them and if it's all right with you, could we please get back to Wheel of Fortune? Right now there’s a huge collective sighing and snorting at the sound of anything resembling a political discussion, and many of us frankly wouldn’t object if Australia’s entire leadership population was bundled onto Douglas Adam’s Golgafrincham B Ark of Hairdressers and Telephone Sanitisers to make a new world for themselves on the other side of the galaxy somewhere. It would be a place where they’d actually have to do things rather than relying on an increasingly large staff of kowtowers and panderers, with oodles of taxpayers dollars to spend irresponsibly before they’re finally voted out and offered a lucrative consultancy.

Directly moving forward actively
We’re now facing 35 days of sound bites and false smiles and those aforementioned mantras that we’re already heartily sick of. With the ALP we’ll be Moving Forward! Motion plus direction does not, however, equate to ideological aspiration, thought or hope. And Direct Action! reminds us, perhaps ironically, of a Socialist newspaper we once saw for sale on a protest march back in the late 80s, and it has about the same amount of meaning or possibility of being useful. The four words from which we are presumably supposed to choose the future direction of our country, for ourselves and our children - not to mention the generations to come - are remarkably bereft of anything comprising original thinking. Even rearranged into different pairings (Direct moving, Forward action, for example) they provide us with no anchor, no pillar, no chance of auspicious objective.

Houston, we have a problem
At a time when the world could possibly be on the cusp of disaster on an unprecedented scale (think environment, think fundamentalism, think population pressure just for starters) we’ve decided to pump for the mediocre, and for that, we can only blame ourselves. (Failing that, though, we can always point our fingers at the Americans. It's always worked for us before.)

Thank for you listening. More news as it comes to hand. Please stay tuned. This is not a drill.

Thursday 24 June 2010

Ranga, PM
The truly interesting aspect of Julia Gillard’s rise to become Australia’s first female Prime Minister comes not from the suddenness of her elevation nor the fact that the pragmatists now appear to have replaced the true believers in what passes for the Australian political scene. No, the surprising aspect is that, in many ways, it was the fact that Kevin Rudd was actually the first female PM. He was soft and can blubber, appeared uncomfortable socially, giggled, and didn’t appear to have that cut-throat, smile as you kill capacity which characterises so many male politicians. I’m not saying that all the previously mentioned attributes have to be female ones, but when compared to Julia Gillard, who doesn't have most of these characteristics, you start to wonder what exactly happened this morning and last night.

What tha?
For so many of us, it appeared that the evening of 23rd of June was going to be just another day in the lamentable sporting tragedy that is Australia’s history in the World Cup. For a large proportion of the population, the most significant losers of the evening were likely to be the Socceroos and the Green Team on MasterChef. And then the blogosphere started going crazy in a cacophony of bleeping, bicycle horns and sundry personalised message alert tones. With the absence thus far in twenty-first century Australia of a free-to-air 24-hour news channel, most of us scrambled to our computers once we realised that something was afoot in Canberra.

Just don't mention the war...
The first live footage we saw was of a defiant Kevin Rudd, who went a long, long way to prove David Marr’s hypothesis in the recent Quarterly. Rudd is incontrovertibly a bloke who, once fired up and angry about something, is an articulate orator. Honestly, he ripped the roof off with his comments about his personal political future. If anytime in the last few months he’d done the same in regards to Australia’s social and economic future, he would never have been in the trouble he now found himself in. Like Malcolm Turnbull, similarly humbled on the only form of reality television that never stops, we found we actually quite liked and cared for Kevin Rudd once the sound of the knives being sharpened rose to a strident, incessant pitch. Rudd’s speech was as good as just about anything we’d ever heard from him, and arguably the best non-scripted thing he’d ever said. God bless him, there was not one mention of ‘working families’ so possibly my mantra of whispering ‘don’t say working families, don’t say working families’ as he spoke may have filtered through the ether. Far more likely was the fact he himself realised that this was no time for spin. What was happening was real, was urgent and dramatic. If only he’d demonstrated his feelings in this way for the ETS, for insulation, for the mining tax. I’m guessing he may have felt like this about them, but if so he didn’t show it. Now it was too little, too late. Anyway, the underlying structural deficiencies of his Prime Ministerial modus operandi ensured that, no matter how much last minute sympathy he could engender, the tribe had spoken.

Tell him I'm on the loo and I'll call him back...
This morning’s party room vote, was, to all accounts, remarkably bloodfree given the demonstration of passion from the PM last night. He’d left the podium to work the numbers, but I’m guessing there were quite a few members who let him go through to voicemail when they saw his number flashing up on their caller ID. I suspect that because of this he got a surprisingly early night without the heart to watch the World Cup match. With the morning came the realisation that it wasn’t going to work for him to contest the unprecedented vote of confidence in his Presidency, er, Premiership, by which I mean first-term Prime Ministership.

I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
The New Order appears not intend to model itself on the one-man band that was apparently the Old Order under Rudd. The ineffectual Wayne Swan has managed to become deputy, but Lindsay Tanner is heading home and Rudd is gone, so Gillard will be able to fashion a court of her own liking, provided of course she remembers just who it was that placed on the throne of the summer palace. The bizarre situation of her leftish ascendancy courtesy of the powerbrokers of the right should not be forgotten. While she’s unlikely to be prone to intensity of taunting hurled towards Kristina ‘puppet on a string’ Keneally, our Julia will still have to pay back a few favours at some stage.

War?! What is it good for?
Right now, though, the ALP has gone on a war footing. The Libs have been marshalling the troops and revelling the splendid rhetoric of impending conflict for months, the heady reek of trench foot already drowning out most of what passes as Australian political debate. Now it’s Labor’s turn, too, and quite how Ms Gillard deals with the ETS, the mining tax and certain recent governmental debacles in the short term will reveal her capacity to last in the job for the long term.

Those were the days
One tremendously sad realisation that occurred today was not the retrospective montage of a succession of our new PM's truly awful, bad hairstyles but that she, although of Welsh heritage, has abandoned the beautiful lilt of her parents to forge the dry intonation we’re already so prone to dislike. What a tragedy it is that we’ll be forced to listen to her dust-like syllables as they drift out across the airwaves carrying the new focus group tested to within an inch of its life buzz term which, God help us all, will surely now replace ‘working families.’

Victor / Victoria Victorious
The man/ woman has been replaced by the woman/ man, a woman who isn’t afraid of mixing it, of a power suit, or of being amongst it. The handshake she gave to Tony Abbott was no doubt firmer than that of Mr Rudd's, and her whisper of ‘game on’ presumably meant she was prepared to give all she has to take the fight to him, but with this comment came also the reminder that we were getting no ideologue, but just another in a procession of pragmatists, for these days it’s just about winning, isn’t it? First Harry Kewell, now Kevin Rudd. Who will be voted off next?

Previous Issues

Friday 26 March 2010

Sending him down the river...
Somewhere in bunker of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition, it had gone horribly, horribly wrong. All the machines were emitting either smoke or sparks, and some were pouring out both. All the chemical bottles were bubbling furiously, coloured liquids and gases pouring forth, stoppers flying, corks popping, glass shattering. A couple of Young Liberals had fainted, and even experienced party room hacks were pale and shaking. ‘It’s gonna blow! It’s gonna blow!’ was the mantra repeated again and again throughout the room.

People were running back and forth, but aimlessly, because they knew in their hearts that nowhere – but nowhere – was safe. On the other side of a locked door the monster was stirring, too constrained and too controlled for too long. They had brought it indoors originally to make noise, but no-one had realised that it would make too much noise. Once the gags had been applied the pressure had started to build uncontrollably.

‘You’ve got to let him speak!’ a ruddy-faced National party veteran pleaded, having seen all the signs before. ‘It’s the only thing that will calm him.’ But the Liberal Party elders conferred briefly and shook their heads. ‘There has to be something else we can do.’ Into the room strode Tony the Warrior Princess, and all eyes turned to the vision of what currently passes for leadership in the Federal Libs.

And in the tradition of political parties the world over, that’s how Barnaby Joyce came to be moved sideways into a portfolio, oh no, not demoted because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut or get anything right when he did speak, but actually into 'a bigger portfolio'. And technically it is significantly larger if you think of Finance being a couple of buildings somewhere with calculators in them, but the Murray-Darling Basin being rather a long thing that runs from Queensland to South Australia taking in a couple of other major states along the way. Of course, should the Libs win and Barnaby actually takes charge of the area, it will presumably become significantly shorter and stop at a cotton farm just north of the Queensland border, but we won’t discuss that now.

With the departure of Mr Minchin and the movement of Mr Joyce we’ve also seen the return of Mr McFarlane to a big office in the Opposition suite, however that nice Mr Turnbull is still languishing in the boondocks somewhere, or whatever the multimillionaire equivalent of languishing is. And it seems he’ll remain languishing there until he says he’s sorry about the ETS, or Tony loses the election, or he decides he’s had enough of the whole thing and goes home for yet more relaxing rich languishing in a Sydney-waterfront property somewhere near you.

Meanwhile in Port Macquarie tomorrow the temperature is expected to reach 29 degrees. Let’s send a big hello call out to all triathlon competitors there tomorrow, and wish them good luck. Some of them are going to need it.

 

With friends like these...
In the US, Mr O, fresh from his health care battle and the creation of a whole lot of hate mail directed towards Democrat offices throughout the land has apparently walked out on a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Expect a whole lot more letters saying nasty things signed by a whole new demographic to be in the post by tomorrow.

Concerns have been raised that the Prez’s actions were a response to Israeli actions when they released plans to build 1600 new Israeli homes in disputed Arab land in Jerusalem earlier this month just when the US Vice-Prez was over there trying to get a bit of the old Middle East peace happening. Suffice to say news of the housing project didn’t go down too well with the Palestinians, and yet again peace talks were scuppered.

Perhaps Mr O has felt it’s now time to play a bit of hardball with the Israelis and see just how committed to a peaceful resolution they are after all the years of conflict. The US has always been a strong supporter of Israel, perhaps now they will be seen as a strong supporter of peace. If the Israelis and the Palestinians want to genuinely climb on board the USS Let’s Finally Fix This Ongoing Humanitarian Disaster by the use of truth, gentle persuasion and the Armenian way, it seems likely they’ll be welcomed onboard. If not, they could be in a bit of the internationl-type shouting match. Or maybe the Prez is just aware of the story of Rachel Corrie.

Thursday 25 March 2010

Running into trouble?
52-year old super parliamentarian and Leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition copped the twin blows yesterday of reading about all the worms that had turned against him after Tuesday's debate, and hearing that Mr Senator Nick ‘Smile as you Kill’ Minchin was stepping down from his portfolio and would not be recontesting his seat.

The loss of Mr Minchin means one less person in the Federal Libs to reminisce with about the glory days under Mr Howard. Mr Minchin is also a party elder with wisdom and insight into how to deftly remove the wallet with one hand while performing eye-capturing tricks with the other, and maintaining a cold lipped grin the whole while.

In the meantime Mr Abbott is preparing himself for a gruelling challenge of endurance. Sitting through Mr Rudd’s long sentences and tortuous syntax in a debate setting was hard enough once, but Tony has to be prepared to face Kevin, and an ever growing cabal of hostile worms, two more gruelling times.

It makes the triathlon he’s going to compete in this weekend seem relaxing by comparison, as it’s just a mere 3.8 kilometre swim, 180 k bike ride and 42 k run. Fair dos, Tone, even finishing that will be pretty impressive, and will show us you’re the kind of bloke who can swim and cycle and run a long way, but will it show us you’re a leader? Or just that you’re a leader who spends too much time in the pool, on the bike and pounding the footpath?

One question remains to be asked, and that is whether training three times a week as Tony has been doing will have been enough prep for the gruelling event. Mr Abbott knows how fit he is, and knows he's a stubborn competitor, and knows that the eyes of the nation will be watching him. But will he know if his body can't take any more and it’s time to stop?

And not wanting to sound churlish, but, ahem, well, triathlons? Not the most Aussie of sports. Why not a trek across the Simpson Desert armed only with a handful of camels? Or jogging across Sydney Harbour in aqua-shoes while wearing a silly hat made of empty stubbies? Did he ever consider croc wrestling, for Godsake? About the only concession to Australian-ness Tony’s going to allow himself after this event is that he’s going to be true blue rooted come Monday morning. If Mr Rudd has any nous he’ll release a raft of new policy measures 6pm Sunday. We’ll see then if Mr Abbott is really made of the right stuff.

 

Already sick of health?
Meanwhile the plans for hospital nationalisation by Mr Rudd continue to be drawn up, and this time he’s hoping to get it right after recent revelations of potential rorting going in new school halls across the country coupled to the national electrified ceilings fiasco.

Health is testing well with the focus groups, and as the ETS is currently a smelly heap hidden inside somebody’s foldaway lounge next to the skeleton of a long forgotten chiahuahua, expect Mr Rudd to remain talking alarmingly continuously about health stuff all the way to the election, particularly after all the smiling worms the other day whenever he mentioned it. Not that this should be a big deal for the PM. In some ways Mr Rudd’s ability to remain on message is his own contribution towards human endurance levels. Not so much for himself, but for those of us forced to watch him at it accompanied by those same limp attempts at self-deprecating humour, not to mention the phrase ‘working families’.

For most of us now, the election can’t come quickly enough. Our strength has already been well and truly sapped and we’re not even out of the restaurant and heading towards the bedroom yet. We’re yearning for a wham bam Vote 1 thankyou ma’am, but they’ve already started taking their politician’s special blend electoral Viagra. Expect the rogering to continue for a lot longer yet. While the normal advice might be to lie back and think of England, they’re in election mode right now as well. Ladies, now we know how you feel.

 

My island homeless
From the silver lining department comes word that arguments between Bangladesh and India over ownership of the contested South Talpatti/ New Moore Island have finally been resolved. Sadly not via a successfully negotiated outcome allowing a win-win solution which brokers hopes of similar disputes also ending and leading to greater cooperation between the two nations, but because higher sea levels have turned the island into a shallow bit of sea bed. It appears that an average of 11 Bangladeshis an hour are losing their homes as a result of water rising due to changing weather conditions. In fact 17% of Bangladesh will apparently go the way of South Talpatti by 2050, and a good chunk of India as well. What have you got to say about that, climate change sceptics???

 

The bombing begins in five minutes.
In the US Mr O must feel he’s facing a triathlon of his own with his Health Reform package still being debated in the Senate. Even when it’s passed and he's finally signed it that won't be the end of the battle, however, as a bunch of Republican led states have declared they're going to take the bill to court as being unconstitutional. Meanwhile the Vice President has accidently said a swear on national television, telling the President too close to a microphone that the health reform bill is ‘a big F-bombing deal.’ Now everybody's cross with Mr Biden. At least there’s something for the Prez to laugh at...

Wednesday 24 March 2010

I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!
I don’t really want to talk about the debate very much. Not that Harold doesn’t have a whole heap to say about it, but more that I don’t really want to go back there. It was hardly inspiring. As for who won... Let’s just say, to use the Crocodile Dundee motif so recently dragged out of Mr Abbott’s cinematic past, ‘That’s not a knife. OK, yes, all right, I admit it is actually a knife, but because I haven’t released my health policy yet and you have, and as this is debate about health policy, how about I just tell you everything that’s wrong with your knife, and let you know how great mine is going to be when I get it, even though I’ve had quite a while to sharpen, hone, file and otherwise get it really really sharp now, especially if you include that five years I was health minister.’ Then Mr Rudd muttered some stuff about working families even as the pensioners of the land dozed in their E-Z Recliners and those watching in the Press Club subtly waved for their glasses to be re-filled, GOD, PLEASE, again.

Mr Rudd has now suggested that similar bi-conversational challenges should be conducted at all governmental levels, particularly by Labor members in marginal seats, and what self-respecting columnist would miss this opportunity to suggest an image of mass debating candidates all having a good go at each other across the national political landscape.

The bottom line is, however, whether yesterday’s debate favoured one leader more than the other in terms of influencing potential voters. Mr Abbott, who had no positive platform to stand on, had to run negative, and apparently this didn’t go down to well with the various viewing worms. In all, most worms seemed to think that Mr Rudd appeared to do slightly better and one suspects that part of his success came from the self-discipline to appear measured and reasonable. Mr Abbott wants to appear measured and reasonable but he wants to win too much as well. That’s when the killer’s eyes come out, and it's never good when the worms can see that deeply into a politician's soul.

The first rule of dating is ‘Treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen.’ What you have to avoid at all costs is appearing desperate. We got the first whiff of it from Tony yesterday, and I think this was the odour that the worms dove to avoid.

Annelids, aromas and arguments. Welcome to the opening salvos of this year’s Australian federal election.

 

One very small step for mankind, one giant leap for Richard Branson.
Thousands of starving people around the globe celebrated en masse yesterday as Mr Sir Richard Branson’s plans for space tourism took a step closer. Mr Branson was on hand to watch the first airborne test of Virgin Galaxy’s VSS Enterprise, a very strange looking aeroplane designed to travel 16 kilometres upwards before a rocket part detaches and sends a heap of rich folk even further towards space for a quick looksee at the stratosphere. The worrying thing is that they’re then going to be allowed to come safely back down again. Just kidding, rich people! It's gonna be great to have you back. But I’d be nicer if a few of you sponsored Harold a bit more...

 

Less is more, more or less.
The good news for people concerned about increasing amounts of carbon emissions entering the atmosphere and causing global warming is that possibly there isn’t as much oil left as we think. If it is indeed the case that there is 33% less oil remaining in the earth than is currently estimated, then expect a big price hike at the bowsers any day now. Mr Sir David King, who used to be the UK’s Chief Scientist, has suggested that there won't be enough oil coming out of the various wells around the world to satisfy global demand by as early as 2014. Hey that’s not long! Of course we still have a lot of coal left, and people are going to start burning that frantically in order to make more electricity to charge the battery powered hover cars we’re all going to be driving in the Future, so perhaps it’s not such good news for the atmosphere, the oceans and humanity after all. Or, we could just begin the switch to cleaner forms of energy production now and save ourselves all the difficulty later. Who’s with me? Er, anyone? Anyone???

 

Ensuring insurance
Back in the White House, the Prez was waiting, pen in hand, for the arrival of his health care bill, fresh from the printers, the House and the Senate. Now some of the shouting and hoo hawing has died down a little, however, some of the more perceptive voices have begun to ask just how effective the new system is going to be. It requires just about all Americans to buy health insurance, and subsidises those who can’t afford it, while health insurers are going to be required to cover a lot more people who are already sick than they would do before.

Both of these things are no doubt GOOD THINGS, but presumably shareholders in various health insurance companies are now doing their sums and seeing if they’re still going to make as much money as they used to. If there are too many sick people then in order to stay competitively profitable they’re going to have to hike up their premiums. But if they start making too much money everyone is going to complain about it. While some people are already saying a government run model might have been a better thing, those funny old folk in the Republicans, the Tea Party and various hillside enclaves in Montana currently surrounded by the loyal deputies of the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms department continue to demand the right of sick people to remain sick if they’ve chosen to be poor as well. Funny old, place, America, isn’t it?

Tuesday 23 March 2010

But will you still respect me in the morning?
As the old toast goes, ‘To wives and sweethearts. May they never meet.’ And that’s the problem with your election debate, isn’t it, because you’ve got both of them in the same room at the same time, right there, looking down at you from the dais, making you feel uncomfortable. How much does each one know about your feelings for the other?

Kevin Rudd is your steady date, uninspiring on occasion, but in some ways dependable. It might have been an internet romance originally, sure, but you know him now. He’s probably not going to run off in the night with the silverware and a pool boy called Juan. He hasn’t done anything too radical since you met face-to-face, and despite all the fuss, even the apology turned out to be quite a nice occasion in the end and we all nodded along and wiped our eyes and the roof didn’t cave in.

On the other hand Tony Abbott is the flirtatious young minx making all kinds of promises with his eyes – but how can we know if we can trust him? When election night arrives, which of them do we want to share our bed with?  (Note: that was a difficult sentence to write...) Ahem.

Last time we went to the ballot boxes Kevin stole us away from our ex, John, but even though we waltzed our way through election night together, we woke up the following morning already feeling sullied. We felt the first twinges of shame even as dawn broke to a chorus of ACT currawongs heralding the change that had come to the land. When we looked despondently at the mascara-shaded sunken eyes of the new Prime Minister lying next to us we knew our guilty secret was finally exposed for the world to see. And now, seeing both Tony and Kevin in the same room together, the realities of age and the sadnesses of dreams abandoned have clutched our hearts once more, and the reality of another new electoral cycle has landed on the pavement of our lives in front of us like a bucket of shit dropped from the top of Centrepoint. When once we had desire and visions of true love, and ideals and trust and integrity in our hearts, now we have only an itemised account of limited choices. How can we have reached a place where our only options are these two men? Part of us – a pragmatic part, admittedly – wants to admire them, but when we look honestly, at the people we once were, at the people we have now become – and more importantly, at them – we know we can’t.

Barring drastic revelations and a complete ALP snafu, Mr Rudd will be re-elected because we don’t fully trust Tony. We may coyly glance at him occasionally, perhaps even wink flirtatiously and feel the slight thrill of his smile snapped back us invitingly. We’ll even opinion poll that we like him. We’ll be happy for the attention we’re getting, but when the day of the formal arrives it’s Kevin’s corsage we’ll wear. He’s been dating us reliably thus far – even if he has a slight predilection for ten pin bowling and church Bingo nights – and we’re simply not ready to toss him aside for a sweet-talking, quick promising triathlete. He might indeed be offering to take us to all the restaurants in the land but at the end of the night, who's going to pick up the tab?

Nope, despite the potential excitement of the passionate embraces Tony’s offering and the promises of at least one extraordinary orgasm, we’re going to stick with the reliable costless lovin’ we’re currently getting from the man without a tan. We’re funny like that in Australia. Kevin may be an old cheese, but right now, he’s our old cheese, and he hasn’t pissed us off enough that we feel like kicking him out just yet. It took us eleven years to realise how much Johnny was on the nose, it’s going to take Kevin at least another term to work up a decent enough reek.

 

Red, white, blue and more red.
In America another electoral conglomerate is looking at the Prez in their bed and wondering what just happened. Was that the best night of sex in a long time or did he cross the line and violate them last night in the House of Reps when the Health Reform Bill was passed? Mr O is still looking deeply into their eyes and telling them that he loves them, and appears still poised for a bit more thigh stroking and passion. Some are saying that it’s all a con, although quite what his intentions are if it’s just a bit of chicanery remain unclear, as it can hardly be the reality espoused by some in the Republican Party insisting that it’s part of a socialist agenda. What’s next? Jobs for all? Less gap between rich and poor? People prioritised over profit? Good Lord, it’s sounding quite attractive. Don't tell anyone about this sort of socialist state or they’ll all want one.

Monday 22 March 2010

Keywords: who, cares, more, about, health, care?
So a bit of an interesting weekend if you happen to be interested in politics, and if I have my demographics right, that means you, gentle reader. In South Australia and Tasmania it seems that things didn’t go ‘as badly as we thought’ if you’re a supporter of the ALP, or saw a ‘stern message delivered to Federal Labor, although, hey, yeah, not quite as stern as we were hoping,’ if you happen to back the Libs. Next cab off the rank is The Not-So-Great Debate (Part 1), which should be marginally more exciting than a lot of other things on television tomorrow unless you’re really into all that white lady dancing on Ellen or if some of the digital channels plan an ambush broadcast of something really special from the 1970s at that time. Yep, tomorrow will be a wonderful opportunity to find out which of our elected leaders cares more about health care. Mr Abbott will use a bit of reach to claim Mr Rudd hasn’t done enough in terms of reform while he’s been in power, no doubt being able to duck masterfully out of the way if Mr Rudd makes any observations on Mr Abbott’s own lack of an announced health policy. Meanwhile Mr Rudd has the opportunity to land blows atop the Abbott pate with his observations that Mr Abbott once advocated the same sort of federalisation of health policy that Mr Rudd is now himself proposing. Whether Mr Rudd will be able to overcome his featherweightedness rhetorically-speaking to hit with the sort of power necessary to overcome Mr Abbott’s pugilistic ability with the one-liners remains to be seen. If Mr Rudd heads for the ropes and starts a bit of the old skipping around the ring while muttering nuance and detail and can’t get his message across clearly, expect images of Mr Abbott’s short, sharp jabs to fill the headlines later in the afternoon. And don't forget, whatever else we know about Mr Abbott and his ability to chop and change with expedient aplomb if he thinks the wind is currently coming from that direction, he also has killer's eyes when it comes to winning, so Mr Rudd had better be prepared to wear one or two hearty metaphorical roundhouses. While we won’t be expecting actual eye gouging, below the belt work or biting, of course it would be a whole lot more fun if we were. While most agree that both Mr Abbott and Mr Rudd will still be conscious by the end of the bout, whether the same observation will hold true for the Australian viewing public is another question entirely.

Keywords: my, deficit, is, bigger, than, your, deficit
Estimates have been released that show the Australian government won’t quite owe as much as it anticipated by the time the party hats and balloons are brought out by the accountants and economists of the nation to whoop delightedly with at the end of the current financial year. It seems that the Aussie government will end up owing $50 billion by then, not quite as bad the $58 billion which had been estimated, but not nearly as good as the $0 it owed back in ‘06. The figure of $50 billion compares, if you’re interested, with the US total government debt of $7.5 trillion (US) with $1.4 trillion added this year alone... It’s quite a lot of money to have to pay back when you think about it, and some people who claim to know about these things are starting to get a little worried.

Keywords: who, else, cares, more, about, health, care?
Someone else who’s had a bit of a big weekend and who might appear a bit dusty if suddenly called down to the War Room in the early hours is the Prez who got his health care reform through the House by a mere seven votes yesterday. The Senate will soon vote via ‘reconciliation’ to approve the amendments so the whole kitten caboodle can be sent to Mr O for the big tick and a signature no doubt appended with a bit of a flourish and some degree of self-satisfaction. What has been described as the ‘Holy Grail’ of Democrat politicians for a century will then be brought into law, however how long it stays there remains to be seen as the GOP is already talking about repealing it should they win back majority status in November when the House of Representatives and a third of the Senate head to the polls for the Mid-Term elections. The Republicans have objected to the bill with mounting degrees of hysteria, consistently fluctuating between ‘extreme’ and ‘rabid’ and raising the spectre of the ‘socialisation’ of the US. Such an unprecedented outcome from the act of offering some form of affordable health care to a nation where people die because they can’t afford medical bills seems an usual extrapolation for those of us who have been living with subsidised health systems quite happily for a number of decades now without our economies crumbling, the Soviets setting up shop in our parliaments or the appearance of a myriad of ‘death panels’ deciding whether it’s granny’s time to visit the big disco in the sky just yet. Just how effectively the Democrats perform at the polls this year will now depend to a large extent on how well Mr O handles the twin challenges he faces: to get some of the 10% of Americans who are currently unemployed back working, and getting health reform into the homes of those who have been denied it for so long, so that it, too, can also seen to be working. With the passage of the bill now out of the way, seeing the changes to health care enacted will not seem nearly as exciting or carry with them the potential for nearly as many headlines, but consistently releasing pictures of all the happy, alive Americans who have benefitted from the reform could turn out to be just as important when election day rolls around.

Saturday 20 March 2010

Keywords: another, donkey, in, the, depths, of, the, nation
So they’re having fun in the bottom two states tonight as they begin the counting, arguing, looking optimistic, looking pessimistic, sighing, appearing modest and conceding, appearing modest and accepting this undeniable mandate to do better, and eventually the relief that characterises election nights the world over, not some of the Communist countries admittedly, and OK there's less gunfire here in celebration or reprisal than many places, too, yay Australia! Even though the federal ALP has taken the step of distancing itself from the elections today by already muttering the mantra of ‘local issues’, there’s no doubt that there will still be some smiles in Canberra come Monday if either government creeps back in. At the time of writing the swings against the ALP have been serious, but there is still chance of a disappointed Liberal leader in SA and the very real potential for lots of shouting and confusion as Tassie faces a three-way split with the ALP and the Libs on ten each and the Greens caught right in the middle with five. The BlackBerries will no doubt be running hot for the next few days as they try and sort something out.

Keywords: stand, and, deliver, nothing
The unbuilt CBD metro appears about to cost NSW taxpayers even more money they don’t have, with the Feds asking for the $80 million they donated to the project to be handed back, please, and no you can’t just label it 'general revenue' and slip it down the back of the lounge. This amount appears to be in addition to the $300 million already spent by Macquarie street on maps, plans, some properties and a few really, really long lunches, as well as a further $200 million in compensation claims. No worries, after all, it’s just public money donated by the hard working gamblers of the state. Sigh. Ah, gamblers: people condemned to pay a heap more tax than they need to just because they’re crap at math.

Keywords: the, rumbling, in, the, bowels, of, Australian, democracy
Somewhere in Canberra this weekend a slumbering giant is slowly being awakened. It is being gently prodded and poked by people holding long sticks, thrusting their prongs slowly and deeply into the soft padded flesh of another election year. Sometime in the next six or so months the beast will become fully alert, ravenous and twitchy, powered by unending rounds of caffeinated energy drinks, and in the last weeks of the campaign, by an unholy distillation of pure adrenalin and the kind of amphetamines used only by long distance truck drivers on a non-stop return trip to Perth within coo-ee of home and doctors on the end of a ninety-hour casualty ward shift. The sound you hear in the background is chairs being dragged into electoral offices, the plastic coming off the new jumbo packs of pens and someone turning the knobs on the printer to twelve. The arguments have already begun, with discussions on Tony and Kevin’s health care debate already likely to be far more interesting and exciting than anything that comes out of the actual encounter itself. Tony wants 90 minutes in prime time, Kevin is suggesting an hour in the middle of the day, thanks. Whatever happens, once the results of the two state elections this weekend are finalised, and the first stammered words of the debate moderator are heard throughout the land by the few people who actually care about such things and the phalanx of journalists and spin doctors desperate for a couple of decent grabs to use in the next bulletin, the door will be opened and the beast will be led out into the Canberra sunshine to blink indecently. Seconds later it will begin a gentle lope that will end, sometime down the track, in a rapidly accelerating, juggernautical sprint for the line - a velociraptor with Tom Cruise in its sights, a refugee within sight of the border, a Morlock on the scent of an Eloi, an electorate still chasing integrity.

Keywords: the, price, of, selling, free, medicine, to, the, free, world
Everyone has been magnanimous about the Prez’s decision to delay his trip to Indonesia and Australia, which is only natural. Who wants to piss him off by getting all surly when they know how hard he’s working right now back home? There’s a lot of firey oration going on in the town halls of the US as Mr O sells his reform package like his political life depends on it, and of course, because it seems quite sensible to at least 30 million Americans currently without health insurance.

 

 

In Australia where we can walk into a doctor’s surgery, flash our Medicare card, see a GP and have the whole process bulk billed, followed by a walk into the chemist to pick up our pills and pay for them at a highly subsidised rate, we take it all for granted. Low income earners with a Health Care Card pay even less. We whinge about waiting times and stuff ups in public hospitals, but both of these situations, while less than ideal, are far better than anything available for people without health insurance in the US. It’d be great to see a bit more egalitarianism over there, and maybe if they can do health care Aussie style would it be too much to ask the exchange to continue, so that we could see our leaders as worked up as Mr O gets, and really selling us on vision, resolve, passion and dress style?

Friday 19 March 2010

Keywords: here's, a, how, dee, do
Well, this is a pretty kettle of fish, isn’t it? We’re about to be served up a Leader’s Debate by a man who can’t talk and a man who can’t think. Harold will leave it up to you, dear reader, to match a face to each description. It seems that way back in the day, which in this case was during the last election campaign at a time when there was nothing to lose, Mr Rudd suggested that three such debates would be a goer if he won in '07. He’s probably now wishing that at least two of these had been held already with Mr Turnbull and Mr Dr Nelson. Anyway, as it’s happened, Mr Abbott and Mr Rudd have now manned up, bashed chests together a few times, done some grunting, flaunted some plumage and finally agreed to meet behind the bike sheds on Tuesday for a shouting match of the old fashioned kind. Neither leader is going to have a quiet weekend, with one being trained in basic sentence construction and the other being trained in how not to suddenly and unilaterally announce five radical new Liberal party policies he’s just thought of because his mouth was open at the time and people were looking at him. Either way, there’s a chance it could be interesting if Mr Abbott opens up the throttle and lets his freak flag fly and Mr Rudd gets all righteous and incomprehensible and attempts world record length sentencing. While the ratings of the debate won’t match those of the current series of Survivor, some time down the track the tribe will speak, and leave only Mr Rudd or Mr Abbott standing on the dais, looking bemused, and thanking the people of Straya, all the party members who did such a good job and their loving family for being so gracious about having them out of the house all the time.

Keywords: the, ALP, by, a, nose
So State Elections this Saturday in Tassie and South Oz. Harold has maintained a long tradition of picking the winners of elections, or would have done so had we been in print at any time when an election was held. At this point we’re suggesting Labor in both states will retain power in a minority form. Australian governments haven’t had a great deal of experience operating in this fashion, so expect SA to head back to the polls within eighteen months where a more traditional landslide will see Labor dumped properly. The Greens and the ALP will limp along in Tassie, however it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to start shuffling nonchalantly towards the phone, calling your broker and whispering an order to ‘Sell Gunns’ sooner rather than later.

Keywords: would, you, like, an, incontinence, pad, with, that?
Even as Kevin Rudd keeps pointing out that the national health expenditure will soon exceed the sum total of combined states' revenues, figures have arrived which show that the healing and caring industries are now the largest employment sector in Australia. Retail used to be the largest, so let’s face it, it’s kind of a nice thing to think of all those people no longer so concerned with selling and instead working away to get people back on their feet, or in the case of aged care, doing whatever it is they do there. It makes us think that social welfare might not be such a bad thing after all. There’s hope that the sector will keep growing, and not just because increasing amounts of elderly folk are heading towards the retirement villages and homes of the nation. Imagine walking into the mall and being pestered by doctors in the same way that you currently are by people trying to flog you phones, simply because there are so many doctors that they have to spruik for patients, and not fob you off as they currently do so that the waiting time at the local surgery usually exceeds by a factor of several million the time you actually get to spend face to face with your GP. And who knows, perhaps at some stage we could even begin sending doctors to the places which currently have shortages of them and really serious diseases, rather than our continuing compulsion to keep importing them.

Keywords: a, long, long, time, ago, in, a, galaxy, far, far, away
New photographs have emerged recently of a boy by the name of Barry Soetoro who presumably had few inklings (who remembers inklings?) that he would eventually grow up to become the most powerful man in the western world for between four and eight years in the early part of the twenty-first century, although he was probably hoping also that we'd have hover cars by now.

 

Looks like he had more fun then.

Photo: Hadi Surya Dharma, AP

 

In other news, Mr O, as he is now known, or The Prez, has unfortunately had to postpone his impending trip to parts Pacific in order to nail down the pesky loose health care plan that is still rattling in the wind and which has thus far refused all other efforts to get sorted out. While upsetting for a bunch of folk in Indo and Oz expecting to see the Presidential motorcade whiz past at high speed quite soon, one person who won’t be overly upset is the Australian Prime Minister. A visit down under by the Prez later in the year positions Mr Rudd alongside Mr O looking all presidential just that much closer to the announcement of the federal election. While Kevin faces the potential of being whipped in Tasmania and South Australia on the weekend, and by Tony Abbott if he doesn’t get his plain speaking sorted out before Tuesday, he’s presumably wanting these things to be long forgotten by the time polling day arrives and the electorate starts heading in a slow, bovine-like manner towards the ballot boxes. At this point he's no doubt hoping that etched firmly into their combined visual cortexes will be images of Kevin and Barry standing there together with beautiful matching airbrushed halos, looking all statesmanlike in the warm afternoon sunshine.

Thursday 18 March 2010

Keywords: marking, his, territory
It seems that there’s more trouble on Lord Of The Flies Island where the kids in the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition have been picking on one of their own again. This time it was the turn of Peter ‘Piggy’ Costello to be shouted at when yesterday he had several sharpened sticks and a few piles of medium-sized rocks pointed out to him at the same time that it was mentioned he’d best stay away from the conch for a while and keep silent or the throwing of a whole heap of hard and sharp things would commence without warning. Meanwhile in the Labor camp on the other side of the island a strange echoing guffawish laughing sound was heard as various lads and lasses danced around the night-time fire saying nice things about Peter after discretely draping old sheets over their own piles of sticks and rocks all clearly labelled with his name.

Keywords: an, interesting, case, study, ja?
Harold, as cynical as ever, is now going to attempt to analyse something we read this morning, although it should be remembered that analysis is something we attempt rarely and almost invariably get wrong. Our story starts in a number of previous editions of this august journal (see, for example, 19 February) where we have noted our suspicions that Mr Barnaby ‘Hey, let’s put Barnaby in as Finance Spokesperson for a laugh!’ Joyce has been severely hobbled of late and is champing at the bit to stretch his legs and go for a bit of a run again. So strong is our belief in the inevitability of the sound Barnaby at full gallop being heard on the track again soon that we began predicting what we call the ‘big bang’ from him weeks ago, and we still remain surprised at either his capacity for doing what he’s told or the effectiveness of electric shock delivering ankle bracelets and the efficiency of Mr Abbott's remote control. Truth to tell, we’ve actually been yearning for a bit of Barnaby Classic to break free with a longwinded outburst of mixed metaphor, outrage, illogic, arcane agricultural reference, bizarre suggestions of interstellar transport and a spot of the ever reliable government bashing. Instead we’ve had to put up with the virtually mute New Recipe Barnaby. So what can we make of a statement attributed to him yesterday in reference to the Costello fracas when he said, ‘Peter is entitled to ventilate his views, that is his role. And I suppose there’s a lot of people once they leave the political environment after a long period of having their views subjugated by the cabinet, or subjugated by other dominant figures close to them... that when they get out they enjoy the cathartic experience of exploding.’ Hmm, interesting. "And how does this make you feel, Mr Joyce? Are you comfortable there on the lounge? You mention the word ‘subjugated’. Is this a word that you identify with, Mr Joyce? Are you feeling subjugated by cabinet or ‘someone close to you?’ Are you feeling stifled? Do you, too, wish to ventilate your views? To allow your ideas and opinions, like a breath of fresh air, to be delivered to the party room, the parliamentary chamber, to Australia and the world, even Queensland?" Unfortunately our session had to end at this point when an outburst of frothy twitching caused all the red lights on our meter to come on at once so that we had to hit the remote a few times in order to get Barnaby back inside the 'special' room. But stay tuned, gentle reader. It took God seven days to create his big bang and thus begin the process of matter transformation which would eventually be known as evolution. It might take Barnaby a while longer before the compressive forces of those around him are finally shrugged off in a dramatic display of disdain and free flying elbows, but eventually his need to be heard and desire to use long revealing words will inevitably burst forth, Alien-like, from within the belly of the Coalition beast, to reveal his true incessant nature. And when he finally does go off like an IED in front of an assortment of journalists all intent on reporting his bombast and fury with sycophantic zeal, they'll know even as the cameras start rolling that they've got the six o’clock news lead story all sewn up for another day.

Keywords: the, money, or, the, bomb
Various informed sources are predicting that Mr O’s big speech in Indo next week will be more of the ‘working with Moslem folk’ type rather than the ‘telling youse all what do’ style so frequently used by his predecessors the Misters Bush. Just how well the Prez's comments will be accepted remains to be seen, but expect the usual outrage from the conservatives, the nodded whispers of ‘it’s about time, too’ from the progressives and the cries of ‘Deal! Take the deal you moron!’ from most of the people watching television at that time who really don’t give a rat’s if it doesn't affect them directly.

Wednesday 17 March 2010

Keywords: coal, is, the, new, black
Yes, it seems the holes in the ground are getting bigger and the freight trains are getting longer as more Australian rocks are sent overseas. In NSW coal is featuring quite spectacularly as a good little earner both in terms of private investors, who expect to sell nearly $13 billion of the stuff this year, and the NSW government, who are salivating at the thought of the next cheque for $1.4 billion to arrive on the front counter of Treasury, as next to gambling ($1.76 billion) coal is the next best source of state revenue. Apart from a few pesky farmers, seaside retirees and sundry whingers complaining about the positioning of the new mine on top of their farm, coastal resort or school playground, it seems almost everyone else is pretty chuffed about it all. The only other group who isn’t smiling quite so widely are that ghostly phalanx of the nation’s unborn children and grandchildren, not at all thrilled with the state of their planet seeing as it’s so hot all the time here in the not-so-distant future. You can see them if you look determinedly enough, recognisable by the fact their fingers of blame are all collectively pointed en masse in our direction.

Keywords: et, tu, Pete?
It seems that frolicsome leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition is in trouble again. Gosh durn it, Tony Abbott is just a regular Dennis the Menace, isn’t he, the lovable scamp? In today’s episode of this crusty old sitcom Uncle Peter Costello has arrived in town just in time to see our Tony announce plans for a whopping great tax to fund the idea he had two seconds ago for a maternal leave scheme. The thing is, last time Uncle Pete was driving the sulky, he was pretty sure he left strict instructions for there to be no tax increases. Ever. Like, really, forever, not in a core/ non-core promise kind of way, but a ‘zilch zip nada none for infinity plus one’ kind of way. Uncle Pete feels so strongly about Tony running amok that he commandeered a page in the local rag and compared Tony Abbott to Crocodile Dundee, saying that he’s had a ‘that’s not a new tax, this is a new tax’ moment, although I’m pretty sure this has already been said by someone with better delivery in an earlier episode. Quite how Tony gets out of this jam remains to be seen. He’s used to extricating himself from scrapes, in fact in many ways it’s how he likes it, getting all fast and loose with his explanations and then quickly pulling out another unplanned policy announcement which distracts everyone and gets him just a bit more air time than anyone else just in the nick of time and. Speaking of the nick of time, one wonders if Mr Minchin is now sitting in his office a la George Wilson, with gritted teeth wondering if it was such a great idea to have invited Tony over to help out after all.

Keywords: the, old, archipelagical, alma, mater
Meanwhile in Washington the Prez is packing his togs in preparation for his big Pacific trip when he will spend time discussing things with one of the US’s staunchest allies in the region: Indonesia. Mr O will be returning to the country of his former residential address to spend some time signing documents, a bit of the old oratory and presumably promising a dollar or two in the name of economic aid. It is rumoured that the Prez will also visit at least one of his former schools, and arguably a bunch of kids who won’t have to attend class that day will think to themselves as they look at the precision of the presidential motorcade arrive, ‘Yes, you freakin’ can!’ And this alone has to be worth something.

Tuesday 16 March 2010

Keywords: the, numbers, game, doesn’t, quite, add, up
It seems that the people who do all the sums have been at it again. Apparently they’ve had a quiet word to Tony saying that his necromanical plan to magically remove carbon from the atmosphere probably won’t actually work that well, at least for the money that Tony is prepared to spend on it, and has he considered something cheaper and imported instead, possibly a Toyota? Even if $3.2 billion over four years meets it goals and removes 27 million tonnes of carbon from the atmosphere annually, apparently this will mean a 6% net gain in atmospheric carbon emissions against 1990 levels by 2020. Expect Mr Abbott’s goofy grin to be recalled to duty any day now with accompanying simplified explanation that in basic terms 'it's all the fault of the government'. Meanwhile, Kevin, Kevin’s gone, he’s gone, well he’s a bit short $600 million in the plan to fix the hospital system and we need it to pay for the extra 6000 doctors we have planned. In order to raise the cash the PM is claiming to have made the unpopular decision to make the next budget a ‘tough’ one, something unusual for an election year when the recommended practice is to give back some of the money removed from taxpayers wallets in preceding two budgets. Harold doesn’t want to sound too overly critical about the PM’s plans, but where do you suddenly find 6000 doctors? Last time we looked they took six or seven years to train even if Dr Cox is on the case. Asset stripping the poor countries has been the tried and true methodology in the past, sure, but is this really a nice thing to do, given that they’re kind of needed over there what with all the diseases, poverty and did I mention diseases?

Keywords: welcome, back, white, australia
Queen’s Own Opposition Spokesperson on just about anything he feels like having a whinge about, Mr Wilson Tuckey, has been at it again. This time he’s complained about welcome to country ceremonies, those occasions where Aboriginal people get remembered as being here before the colonists arrived and got all terra nullius on their asses. Such honesty appears too much for old Mr Ironbar, who has allegedly said that he’s never thanked anyone for the ‘right to be on the soil that is Australia.’ Oh yeah, and he also described the Canberra Aboriginal tent embassy as a ‘slum’ and suggested that Indigenous dancers are ‘grossly overweight’. While Mr Tuckey appears to have left himself few other opportunities to demonstrate just how out of touch with the times he actually is, sadly Mr Abbott has also decided to lurch back twenty years, suggesting that there was a ‘tokenistic’ element inherent in welcomes to country. Yes, Wilson and Tony, as no actual compensation has ever been paid, such actions can only be ‘token.’ I’m sure taking out the big chequebook as they’ve done in Canada and New Zealand would be appreciated, but as this is unlikely to happen the way things currently stand, then frankly if you’re not going to pay actual money to people for quietly pocketing their continent and walking away whistling inconspicuously, then surely a minute or two in formal rememberance is the least you can do? And let's face it, when it comes to white Australia's attitude to black Australia, something that can be described with the words 'the least you can do' is surely appropriate.

Keywords: my, Akubra, is, bigger, than, your, Akubra
Meanwhile Mr Abbott also stands accused of complaining about Mr Rudd’s lack of progress governmentally speaking. While forgetting for a moment the 40-ish pieces of government legislation blocked by the Libs in the senate, Mr Abbott has attempted a bit of colloquial descriptive prose, apparently saying that Mr Rudd as Prime Minister is ‘all hat and no cowboy.’ Does this mean that Mr Abbott would like to be seen as ‘no hat and all cowboy’? Because that is precisely what many people do see when they look at young Tony...

Keywords: from, Gatorade, to, motorcade
In Washington it appears that the Democrats might have realised that a bit of the former Australian Prime Minister Gough Whitlam’s ‘crash or crash through’ dogma might be the only answer to the current arguments regarding health care reform. Let’s face it, it’s going to look pretty crap if the Dems, and Mr O, can’t get the legislation signed. Talk about your sound and fury signifying nothing. The Prez has been speechifying to anyone who will listen, presumably pouring down the energy drinks by the gallon as he demands courage from US legislators, who let's face it are not a group overly renowned for their capacity to be collectively brave. Meanwhile the shortened trip down under is still on, and the Prez should expect full frontal exposure to a decent whack of kow-towing once he gets anywhere near the Misters Rudd or Abbott. Tony won’t be able to hold himself back – one can sense that he’s the kind of person who is addicted to the aphrodisiac qualities of power – and there’s a chance they’re actually going to have to stop him humping Mr Obama's leg, even if he’s going to hate himself in the morning. Mr Rudd will be far more politically opportune, taking the chance to presciently be standing next to Mr O with his best election year smile on two nanoseconds before anyone even turns on their camera for a Kodak moment. And given that it worked so well last week, expect Mr Rudd to try another 'Yudhoyono Move', when Mr Abbott will be blind sided even asMr Turnbull will suddenly be given the nod for chat to ‘this nice bloke from the States I know, Malcolm.’ One thing's for sure, and that's political expediency, Olympic-grade smarm and industrial quantities of lickspittleness will undoubtedly be the winners on the day.

Monday 15 March 2010

Keywords: is, it, compulsory, to, be, compulsory?
Voters in two Australian states, South Australian and Tasmania, are heading to the polls on Saturday. As with all state elections, federal eyes will be watching closely in attempts to ascertain how things will go later in the year when the entire voting population heads to the primary schools and town halls of the nation to write down strings of numbers which will eventually indicate whether Mr Rudd keeps the big office in parliament house. By the way, despite the laws surrounding compulsory voting, it seems 1.3 million good patriotic Aussies are missing from the electoral list. What does it say when 5% of compulsory voters haven’t bothered to register to vote and another 5% or so vote informally? Interestingly, of the 4.8% votes in the 2001 election which were informal, nearly a fifth were blank, while three fifths were wrong, in that the voter hadn’t worked out how to mark the ballot paper with sequential numbers. Of the remainder, it seems derogatory remarks and slogans were a bit of a problem, although not illegal unless you signed your name to them or obscured the voting squares. But I digress. At the moment, since Mr Rudd has been PM, the state election score is one all with WA falling to the Libs and Queensland re-falling to Labor. The thing about state elections is that they are so relative. The Opposition is currently screeching that if Labor loses in South Australia or Tasmania then this means that the electorate is sending a strong message to Federal Labor, while the ALP is saying that if they lose either state it will be because of local issues. If they win either state expect the ALP to screech what a ringing endorsement of Mr Rudd this means, while the Opposition will say they were lost on local issues. Whatever the result it should be an interesting week none-the-less with expectations of shouting, increasingly shrill announcements and the odd retracted statement, which will all culminate in the traditional tears and hoots come Saturday night.

Keywords: you, want, the, data?, you, can’t, handle, the, data!
It seems scientists are preparing to get all accurate figures and lab-tested extrapolations on us as they generate a report which will apparently show that the nation's combined temperature-measuring mercury is slowing millimetering its way upward. In addition sea levels are also slowly rising, while the water itself is also getting a bit warmer. Expect some barmy academic with no formal training to come along and demand air time to renounce the figures in the name of a ‘balanced debate’ any day now.

Keywords: emergency, cut, and, style, stat!
Every hairdresser in Australia was aghast on the weekend when pictures were released of the two worst sets of tresses in the land in the one location when Julia Gillard and NSW Premier Kristina Keneally got together for a coffee. Apparently the meeting was set up after Mr Rudd got all frosty the other day when he himself met with Ms Keneally, a date which also couldn’t be described as a Decoré wonder moment. Mr Rudd is currently touring Australia and hangin' wid de prems as he attempts to convince them that subtracting what they now spend on hospitals from a budget amount that they soon won’t get from Canberra will all add up to be a pretty positive thing for them. And probably some sick people will get better as well somewhere down the track. As Harold has noted previously, sick people don’t care who foots the bill as long as they could get the radiation therapy done before next March by someone who actually knows what the funny knobs and dials do. It should be noted that Kevin seems to be enjoying what the pundits call a 'bounce' from his current round of policy pushing. Health reform has the attraction of being more tangible for Australian voters than the mythical ETS, captures the public imagination with an echo of the similarly named but quite distinctively different policy war currently being undergone in Washington and carries with it the cachet that it is actually a logical and positive step forward for the community. Who knows, it might just get up, and get Mr Rudd up with it, come the next election.

Keywords: tick, tick, tick, mmm?
Mr O’s languid visit downunder has morphed into a two-day dash in which he’ll spend most of his time ticking boxes. Address Aussie parliament: check. Meet with folks in Indonesia and smile a lot: check. Tell folks back at home something has been done about American/ Pacific relations: check. Got health care reform across the line in Congress: still a question mark. Still, three out of four ain't bad. Right?

Saturday 13 March 2010

Will they, won't they???! Are they, aren't they?!!! Australia is currently consumed with the Michael Clarke/ Lara Bingle affair and we would love to devote today's Harold to telling this tragic story of a young woman's battle against the football player who may have taken a photo of her in the shower, and her boyfriend's reaction to her urgent demands for help. In Harold's first exclusive, however, we have found that there are other Lara Bingle's around the world who also deserve to be heard from and we have devoted this entire issue to them. We leave it up to you, dear reader, to determine which Lara's story you would prefer to spend your time reading...

In Mongolia, Lara Bingle today spent some time in the family ger, a tent which is the family home to Lara and her family. Lara is only young, but sometimes joins her family in scavenging what little there is to find in the local garbage dump located close to the toxic waste of the nearby copper mine.

In Nigeria, Lara Bingle today spent the day like most others of her young life, living on the streets of Lagos. Lara bathes in a local canal and has not seen her sisters for many years. She has been beaten, has smoked hemp and been robbed.

In Ghana, Lara Bingle had a metre long Guinea worm extracted from her body this morning. The parasite had entered her system after she’d drunk some flea-ridden water and had grown to full length inside her before bursting out through her skin. A health worker then spent some time pulling it out, centimetre by centimetre, although it caused Lara great pain.

In Madagascar, Lara Bingle sat inside the small tin-roofed shelter cooking street food in a pan filled with boiling oil, heated by burning charcoal. On the ground next to her Michael Jr lies in a cardboard box crying as Lara tends to customers, and sells tea for 5c a cup.

In Syria, Lara Bingle spent another day at home after her mother had made the decision not to send her and four of her sisters to school. The good news is that another one of the children, Paris, is fortunate enough to be able to attend the local primary. Sometimes she shares what she has learned that day with her siblings at home.

In Capetown, Lara Bingle Lara made it through another day despite her HIV status and the difficulty of maintaining a family and bringing up children while frequently feeling ill.

In Romania, Lara Bingle is recovering after having been rescued. Two years ago she was captured and made to work as an under age prostitute in Austria. She was forced to live in a dark room and survived in part because she wanted to return home one day to see her young daughter.

In Dhaka, Lara Bingle earns 40c a day chipping away concrete from second-hand bricks. One of nearly 5 million people in Bangladesh aged between 5 and 15 who is working, Lara recently nearly lost sight in one eye after a chip of cement flew up to her face.

In Sierra Leone, Lara Bingle died yesterday from measles. She struggled valiantly, wishing that someone would arrive and help treat her condition. She has heard that measles is not regarded as serious by many in the west, but the knowledge did not help her poor young body, already ravaged by years of living in poverty and a recent bout of malaria. Lara’s mother and sister are devastated by their loss, her father never knew of her existence.

In the Philippines, Lara Bingle spent another day working on the garbage tip. Despite the danger, she and many others spend their days sorting through the mass of rubbish collecting recyclables such as plastic, metal, paper and glass to later sell for a pittance. As well as the risk of diseases arising from living and working so close to the dump, Lara has known people who have died when the tip collapsed on them. One of Lara’s sisters was killed recently after being run over by a reversing dump truck that didn’t see the slight nine-year old figure behind the wheels of his truck.

In Rio de Janeiro, Lara Bingle is one of 32 million children who live in a family with an income less than $10 a week. Although she has contracted HIV from her mother, it is expected that Lara will start work in the sex trade as soon as she is old enough, probably not long after her eighth birthday.

In the Northern Territory, Lara Bingle has thus far been spared some of the sexual abuse she knows her cousins have undergone. Her father finds the price of fresh fruit and vegetables in the local store too expensive and has been unable to find work locally. Sometimes he travels to get a job to earn money, and Lara is afraid at these times when she and her mother are alone in their house.

Friday 12 March 2010

Keywords: the, blockage, in, the, S-bend, of, our, democracy
So the Opposition are now being accused of being Blockers, in that 41 pieces of legislation have come before the Senate and been knocked back in one way or another. It seems that People are Starting to Notice that not much is being done, and the government has at last got out there and starting pointing the big finger and is saying, ‘We can’t get anything done.’ Let's not forget, the Upper House is a house of review, not one of setting the agenda. To get something passed in the Senate at the moment, Mr Rudd and Co currently need Coalition support, or the combined support of the Greens and Mr Xenophon and Mr Fielding, and they never appear to agree on anything. In fact there's not nearly enough reviewing and far too many attempts at agenda setting. As we’ve reported in Harold previously, (see our editions for 06 March and 18 February, for example) what they’re doing in parliament right now just isn’t working – and the ALP needs to get brave, throw down the gauntlet, slap a few faces and head to the duelling paddock of a Double Dissolution election. If the government is serious about doing all the changing to Australia it says is necessary, it can’t continue to be all lily-livered and whingy saying it’s the fault of Tony & Co. It has to take the plunge and go to the polls, and it has to articulate a clear message to the public arguing that if we want change as well then we have to give a mandate to both houses to get stuff done.

Keywords: invent, a, new, policy, your, time, starts, now!
Meanwhile that impetuous young buck and leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition Mr T Abbott of an International Womens Day lunch somewhere in a Yum Cha restaurant near you has got more explaining to do. This time the questions he has to answer include how he managed to wangle an invite to the lunch in Manly without anyone quite being aware he was going to attend, when the thought popped in his head that he would up the ante on paid maternal leave schemes, how often it is that his mouth starts working when a microphone is put in front of it, and whether there are Homer Simpson-like bits of his brain which scream out to him, ‘No, shut up, Tone, move away from the mic, come on, Tone, oh God, now we’re going to be in for it from Warren and Wilson and them,’ as he’s talking. (Who remembers being in for it?) All this running off at the mouth and getting all mea culpa on anyone’s ass if they don’t like it is becoming Tony’s modus operandi, so now it’s almost expected that he does something asinine and gets to explain it later just as if he really was rational and reasonable, just like there is a real plan for the nation in there somewhere when we know there isn’t. The thing is, he keeps getting the attention, and some of those newspaper photographs, column inches, TV grabs, triathlon events and interview segments will undeniably transfer into votes somewhere down the line. Perhaps that’s his plan for the nation. Elect him as king, and once he mounts the podium he’ll work out what to do just as soon as someone puts the winner’s acceptance speech microphone in front of his face. How we laughed...

Keywords: the, nostalgia, of, fond, reminiscence
Things appear to be looking up for previously embattled Mr O with the public apparently responding positively to his tactic of going in with the big boots and doing a bit of head kicking to get his health reform legislation through. Something that Mr Rudd and Mr O might both want to consider is that strong leaders are often the most respected. God knows, Mr Howard didn’t get constantly re-elected because we liked his personality, but because he was perceived as forthright and determined. (Of course, he was ultimately seen as being too forthright and determined on Work Choices which saw him disappear from our lives in a single puff of electoral night magic, and we still recall with fondness some of the crazy dancing that took place then admittedly.) If you go back a bit you get to Mr Fraser, someone else not known overly for his bonhomie or capability in the wisecrack department. In the States, Mr Nixon and Mr Reagan come to mind, as does Mr Bush Jr, God help us. They succeeded because they stood by the courage of their convictions, even if, ironically, they should also have been convicted for some of their convictions. Mrs Thatcher also personified the paradigm, she wasn’t called the Iron Lady for nothing. Mr Clinton, Mr Blair and Mr Hawke, however, were all nice soft leftie leaders who you’d be happy to have to dinner so they could regale you with anecdotes but what did they do? They aren’t remembered as leaders of courage. (Mr Hawke used to borrow testicles from Mr Keating, Mr Blair got his from Mr Bush.) So Mr Rudd and Mr O, if you’re serious about shit, get on with it. Make the calls, use the invective, get all loud and point the fingers. Nothing quite says, ‘Who da man?’ as someone with an electoral mandate firmly behind them. We’ve already given you our preferential support or chads, but if you want us to remain behind you, you have to be in front, leading. Now get out there, both of you, and score just one for the Gipper.

Thursday 11 March 2010

Keywords: who’s, your, daddy?
Word is that Mr Abbott’s proposed new parental leave scheme is going to cost almost as much as the ‘big new tax’ of the government’s intended ETS. The Opposition would have you believe that a 1.7% imposition on the nation’s 3000 biggest companies would pay for Australia’s young mums to get in a bit of serious bonding time. Meanwhile the government’s own maternal leave scheme is due to start in January if it gets through the Senate. The winners in either case appear to be the people who are considering starting a young family who will be eagerly holding out their hands for the free dosh from either party, but whether they choose the government’s or the Libs’ scheme is probably dependent on a few more pamphlets landing on the doorstep with some large dollar signs on the them. Quite how either of these considerations will play out in the marginals is hard to say, although you can be pretty sure that the shouting will be a lot louder out there.

Keywords: going, with, the, flow
Even as he deals with folk in his own party saying unkind things about his autocratic style of leadership consultative process, Mr Abbott is also dealing with further whispering going on behind his back on another front. Certain members of that rump popularly known as the National Party are suggesting Tony keep quiet about his plans to nationalise the Murray-Darling River basin, partly because bringing together all the myriad of current river, floodplain, wetlands and sundry other management organisations which oversee water use along the banks of the mighty Murray will create an acronym quite a bit longer than the river itself, and partly because the pumps are still running and there’s another couple of hundred cotton crops they’d like to get off first, if you don’t mind. Nationals leader Warren Truss has had a couple of words to Tony about this now, but expect a few more soon, and louder with it, if you don't get the message, son. The politics of parochialism and self interest are powerful motivators for the Nats, so Mr Abbott is going to have to fight hard to get support for his concept of a referendum on the subject – or face a humiliating backdown to a group of people who have, as previously mentioned, an unmistakeably rumpish hue about them. And where exactly does that maverick firebrand Barnaby Joyce stand on all this? He’s been suspiciously silent for far too long now and one feels it’s time for him to be given the big microphone again, if only for the entertainment value such a lengthy period of suppression and time perusing the crazy dictionary is sure to provide.

Keywords: a, Prez, is, in, da, House
From the 'Put another prawn on the BBQ department' comes a big welcome to Australia for the Prez – of Indonesia silly – who addressed both houses of parliament yesterday. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, or SBY as he’s known, spoke frankly on the need for niceness between Australia and the world’s third largest democracy. Some of this niceness is apparently going to take the form of regular meetings between upper echelon government ministers of both countries. SBY spoke of the poll showing 54% Australians harboured some doubt regarding Indonesian intentions in terms of attitude towards terrorists, while acknowledging that ‘Australiaphobes’ back home in Indo also contributed to the current lack of full-strength niceness that exists between both nations. SBY is only one of a handful of international leaders to address the Australian parliament and many people are already looking forward to the next cab off the rank, Mr O himself, due in Canberra on 22 March. For anyone who is interested in the modern phenomenon of Australian parliament addressing, the other leaders who have fronted up in Canberra to enter the chamber are President George Bush Snr (1992), President Bill Clinton (1996), President George Bush Jr (2003), President Hu Jintao (2003) (although certain Green's MPs were sinbinned during both the 2003 visits), ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair (2006) and Prime Minister Stephen Harper (2007). Mr Harper was from Canada in case you were wondering. Canada?! Good Lord. Where's that again?

Wednesday 10 March 2010

Keywords: ready, aim, wait, a, minute, sarge, there’s, an, enemy, combatant, in, my, sights
Lackeys in the Australian Defence Department have been put on full alert in an attempt to work out how the department is spending all its money after allegations emerged of waste (shock!) and mismanagement (horror!). Yes folks, it appears that some of the military’s $48 billion worth of cheques might have been made out to ‘Cash’ instead of the appropriate international arms dealer of your choice. And amongst the cheque stubs that are still legible are items including private plane hire, luxury hotel rooms, breast enlargements, breast reductions, tummy tucks, IVF treatments, personal trainers and, possibly worst of all, actors. Just which actors the Australian army lashed out its one million dollars for is currently unknown, nor are the roles they played. Were they ‘invading troops’ for war games? ‘Prisoners’ for the SAS to interrogate? The ‘answer to a quiet evening on base when a spot of Shakespeare wouldn’t go amiss’? Or were they used as ‘decoys’ just prior to the real attack of the rebel base/ stronghold/ redoubt? We at Harold also have another concern regarding the army, one which is subtly infiltrating the rest of our modern world but which, thus far at least, the army seems exempt from. I’m speaking about OH&S. We haven’t time to fully think this through yet admittedly, but it seems that no-one has realised as yet that correct implementation of occupational health and safety legislation has the possibility to bring peace to the entire world! If no explosive devices were allowed to be used near people no-one would get hurt or killed by bombs or mines. Bullets could be made from soft, flimsy materials. Guns could have safety catches on them that can’t be removed. Hand-to-hand combat would only be attempted by people wearing appropriate personal protective equipment. Dugouts would be ergonomically designed. Soldiers would be equipped with high visibility clothing, although this probably shouldn’t be attempted until all the other improvements have been carried out. The Safety Armies of the world. Now that’s something I’d be happy to see my $48 billion spent on.

 

Keywords: bad, Tony, go, to, the, naughty, chair
Leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition Tony Abbott has got himself in a jam again. As we’ve now mentioned a couple of times, Tony, muttering to yourself should not be mistaken for policy releases, nor should thinking aloud, musing, pondering or other form of whimsical utterance. And this time it’s a bit of a biggie, Tone. When one of the core mantras of your party is a criticism of the ALP for being the party of raising taxes, you can’t really plan to start doing it yourself. It kind of sort of undermines your entire platform. Do you see what I’m getting at? It’s what we refer to as a bad strategic blunder, Tony, and if you’d talked to us first we would have pointed this out to you. I know you’ve gone all Zen on us and said you now need to ‘ask for forgiveness rather than permission.’ But you haven’t got our daughters pregnant, (God forbid), you’ve buggered the butler, so to speak, in that something that was doing very well for us is now appearing sullenly unworkable, not to mention the ethics of it. And the companies you’ve targeted for your proposed new tax are owned by some of our very good friends the mining magnates, media millionaires and mixed industry mogols we have to hang out with at the school reunion on Friday and now they’re not going to talk to us or make donations to our re-election campaigns. You can claim that stuff like this is a ‘leader’s call’, Tony, but the thing is, in some ways, Tony, you’ve stuffed yourself. You can stick with the policy and look unconsultative and impetuous, or if you renege on it and say you were just joking, everyone will still have lingering doubts that you might bring it back one day – and that way you’ll look unconsulative, impetuous and disingenuous. Either way those are a lot of big words for the electorate to start attaching to someone who prides himself on plain speaking.

 

Keywords: reconciled, to, possible, success
In the US the Prez Mr O is preparing to ‘jam’ his health reform legislation through Congress by using a system known as reconciliation which appears to mean he can use a simple majority vote to get the nod on health reform rather than relying on at least 60 votes in the Senate, especially since he can now only rely on 59 votes, and he can’t really rely on them. The Republicans are talking about countering the Prez by tacking on amendments to slow the procedure down, so expect to hear things like ‘I would now like to propose Amendment Infinity and One,’ any day now. The thing is, if they’re seen to be blocking rather than genuinely attempting to add on amendments ‘for the good of the country’ then they’ll have to stop amending. It’s all quite complicated, but it should be remembered that the Bill has been passed by the Senate already, it’s been passed (in a slightly different format) by the House already, and word is that there are just eleven pages of documentation which the Toby Ziegler’s, CJ Craigs and Leo McGareys of the current administration have come up with to make the two version of the bill look like each other. Common decency suggests Congress should accept them. Common pragmatism suggests that there’ll be a whole lot more crying of ‘foul’ and ‘unfair’ by the Republicans and Fox News editorialists before this happens – and a whole lot of actual crying from folk who desperately need better standards of health care and won’t have it until the bill passes.

Tuesday 09 March 2010

Keywords: and, the, winner, is, Neal
So the Oscars are over for another year, and what a ceremony it was. Some people have complained that the entertainment wasn’t very entertaining, but who watches the Oscars for the entertainment? The real gold is in the acceptance speeches which this year contained the usual requisite confessions of surprise, claims to dedicate the award, tears, people trying to talk very quickly before the music starts play and futile attempts to thank your terminally ill partner after your co-winner has hogged all the mic time making dismally bad jokes. In some ways the Oscars are the ultimate audience participation event, with stars moving seamlessly between their gig as watchers to suddenly appearing as presenters or, if they're lucky, presentees. The only real mistake of the night was having Neal Patrick Harris doing the opening song. He should have hosted the whole thing (and his audio mixing person should be sent back to doing the Emmys). Still, as I said, it’s the only show where the entertainment is not the entertainment. But anyway, enough of the good stuff, now roll on the Logies...

Keywords: knee, leader, running
Leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition, Mr T Abbott of a desert somewhere a long way away from you, has responded to criticism that his policies are irresponsible and unfunded by releasing a policy that actually sounds reasonable but is irresponsibly funded. Harold suspects that Mr Abbott hasn’t really got his mind on the job, not when he’s doing all that triathlon training. Apparently he’s riding three times a week, swimming three times a week and running three times a week in the lead up an event in Port Macquarie where no doubt we’ll get to see his knees and more of those nylon swimmers, if only because they’re sure to be plastered over too many front pages to show that we’re a nation which is really serious about the things we should be serious about. Just how serious we actually are will be shown at the polls later in the year, when Mr Abbott’s huffing and puffing goes up against Mr Rudd’s calling out ‘steady as she goes’ a lot.

Keywords: kneel, and, pray, for, air
The bad news from Sydney is that the view is going to get harder to glimpse what with the expected increase in petro-chemical smog. Apparently there are three reasons why things are going from bad to worse – or possibly from worse to absolute crap – and these are cars, cars and cars. Specifically, more cars, more car use and bigger cars are leaving increasing amounts of folk susceptible to respiratory diseases. In addition the cars are also expected to pump a whole lot more ozone damaging chemicals skywards. Apparently Sydney ‘has the world’s only clean air strategy that sees rising ozone levels locked in and predicated to increase in the future’ said NSW Opposition Spokesperson Cathy Cusack, presumably a practising ironist. While many feel that further technological improvements to car engine emission systems will help in eventually reducing the amount of smog, one wonders how it would all work if there was a greater reliance on, just for arguments sake: walking, riding bikes and an old fashioned method of getting about we like to call ‘public transport.’ For any of those things to be effective alternatives, however, quite a lot of work needs to be done infrastructurally-speaking, so don’t hold your breath. Well, actually you probably should be holding your breath, because breathing in that fresh Sydney air might not be working quite as well for you as it should...

Keywords: Neil, Neal, O’Neill
One suspects its not all rosy eyed joy, happy pats on the back and soft focus smiles in the Della Bosca/ Belinda Neal household right now after a pre-selection ballot on the weekend gave Belinda the old heave ho from running as a Labor candidate in her Central Coast seat at the next election. The weird twist to the situation is that the woman who replaced her as candidate is university lecturer Deborah O’Neill, while the university student who replaced her as her husband’s lover for a period a while back was Kate Neil. What’s with all the variations on the ‘Neal’ theme? Ms Neal must be feeling pretty ordinary and at times like this our sympathies need to be extended to those who need them the most – and in this case that’s the voters of Robertson. Ms Neal only won by 184 votes last time, not a lot really when you consider that more than 3000 people opted to choose ‘Informal’ as their preferred candidate. There will be a lot of politicians handshaking in shopping centres, kissing random babies, appearing in local papers, making a whole shitload of promises that will never be kept in a million years while simultaneously filling the mail boxes of Erina with more potential recycling than you can poke a stick at. And their time starts... now.

Keywords: a, case, of, the, Neals
In Washington, it seems that the Prez is having to deal with a fair number of his compatriots in the Democrat party revealing themselves to be potential spivs and cads, with the occasional bounder also turning up for good measure. It seems that no less than twelve Democrat members of Congress are now under investigation by various committees, law enforcement officials or other form of inspecting body, (this compares to four Republicans). Perhaps importantly, three of the Dems are Senators. The last thing Mr O needs right now is to lose members of his own party in unpalatable circumstances. The usual mixture of ‘misdirected’ funding, claims of nepotism and the unmistakeable scent of sexual scandal will do nothing to shore up the party’s vote in November. Who needs Republicans to give Mr O grief when you have Democrats like this?

Monday 08 March 2010

Keywords: a, taste, for, science
The big news from the lab today is that scientists have discovered humans can taste fat. It seems things have moved on since we did those tests in the school with the blindfold, the swabs of sweet, sour, bitter and salt, and the cute Third Form girl who said she liked wearing the blindfold while we put the swabs in her mouth and giggled a lot. But since that time ‘umami’ has also been invented, allegedly a recognisable ‘meaty/ protein’ taste made of glutamates, but enhanced by 5'-ribonucleotides like guanosine monophosphate and inosine monophosphate. Get right out of here. Just say ‘savoury’ if you mean savoury. Now it has been found out that people apparently also have an ability to identify fat in their food after they experimented on 33 people - although you could have asked anyone who knows that butter does taste better. The scientists are saying that this is great news, presumably because if they develop drugs which enhance the fat tasting ability then perhaps people will cut down if they become aware of just how much of the chubby-stuff raw material they’re actually consuming next time they load up on a super-giant bucket combo at the local fried chicken outfit. Quite how a taste for fat fits within last Friday’s news of the fat lovin’ microbes hanging out in our guts is hard to say, but best watch what you eat and get plenty of exercise as a precaution. Back in the day, despite all the foods we offered her, we never tested the cute Third Form girl to see where on her tongue the taste receptors for pure fat were located. I must check FaceBook and see what she’s doing these days.

Keywords: and, the, winner, is, silence!
Today is Oscar day, which should be a commemorative public holiday for the bit where someone sings Hallelujah nicely while we watch the montage of all those in the industry who have died in the last year, accompanied by loud clapping for the stars, and sporadic muted applause for the production folk who aren’t remembered quite as well. The challenge for the Oscar-o-phile this year, as with so many previous years since the advent of video recording, is to manage a media embargo so that when you watch the full telecast in the uninterrupted silence of your lounge room later in the day once the family has gone to sleep you have no idea which Botoxed face is suddenly going to attempt to smile bravely as some other less worthy equally Botoxed contender strides assuredly for the podium. And in that moment when they reach the stage, between the first look of amazement as they realise they can recognise everyone in the auditorium – except random seat fillers, obviously – to the time when the orchestra starts playing them off because we really don’t give a rat’s about who their English teachers were, the hope still sometimes emerges for a similar winning moment in our own lives. We realise that we, too, still occasionally possess the desire to look down at a room full of admiring peers, large phallic-shaped metal object clutched firmly in our sweaty hands to be reassured that some people at least, do ‘really like me! Oh my God.’ But we are all winners – Sandra Bullock especially for being there to pick up her Golden Raspberry last night – and doubly so if we can get through the day without being exposed to somebody else’s newscast, broadcast or loud conversation spoiling the whole thing for us. And surely if we can do that in 2010 - it must be worthy of some kind of reward?

Keywords: total, recall, I think
Something that wasn’t telecast on the weekend, although God knows why, was the US Memory Championship which saw a bunch of folk memorising randomly generated card sequences – we call it ‘shuffling’ – not to mention strings of long numbers, long lists of names and Icelandic-saga length examples of modern poetry of the ‘free form’ kind. Apparently many of the contestants weren’t all like Rainman as you’d expect but are ‘normal’ people who work hard to strengthen their brains by exercising their recall ability for at least an hour a day. It’s quite amazing when you think about it, that people can memorise a sequence of a 52 cards in 24 seconds. Or that someone took just five minutes to remember 178 numbers which presumably weren’t running in order from 1 to 178. People really are amazing, aren’t they, with their capacity to taste fat, make comprehensible Oscar speeches and remember stuff – even before you consider the capabilities of those Winter Olympics athletes the other week. Surely we could combine all these skills somehow to stop war, save the environment and build a better world? Even if it isn’t totally successful, it would still be great fun to watch.

Keywords: apply, tightly, and, press, down
Someone who needs the resources of the memory freaks, snow boarders, statue clutchers and fat connoisseurs of the world right now is the US Prez, still attempting to get his health reform bill over the line. Mr O is leaving the US for his important visit to Indonesia on 18 March – as well as the holiday island of Australia sometime after that – and he needs a few more votes locked in before he departs. Whether it's eventually going to be passed is still unsure, but one thing is certain, which is that Mr O's compulsion for reform still exists. Whether it transpires to be the tourniquet cutting off the blood flow from a successful presidency or a pressure bandage which ultimately relieves 30 million US citizens of the snake venom of no medical insurance remains to be seen, but you have to love the metaphor. Come on. The winner for today’s Oscar for use of a bizarre figure of speech in a daily online minor metropolitan newspaper goes to... goes to...

Saturday 06 March 2010

Keywords: psst, wanna, buy, a, new, health, policy?
News from Canberra suggests that our nation’s politicians are about to descend en masse upon the hospitals of the land asking the sick folk who they’d prefer to send the bill to. Possibly I may have missed something here, but I’m thinking what the sick folk would really like is to get better, and I suspect they don’t give a rat’s about who pays for it. Mr Abbott was pushing people around yesterday trying to make his point, and by pushing around I mean respectfully helping an elderly woman in a wheelchair to find the press photographers, but at least he managed this without becoming lost, although it’s not 100% sure he’s actually read Mr Rudd’s Health Plan yet. For folk without a perceived political self-interest, the plan does sound alarmingly like a no brainer – that the Federal government will pay for health seeing that after the next decade or so the states simply won’t have enough money – but will it be that easy to sell? Certainly not in parliament. Someone – yes, we’re talking about you, Mr Abbott – has twisted the knob all the way to eleven so that the Libs are now set to Full Opposition mode, Sens Xenaphon and Fielding are frantically practising a well-known parliamentary tactic known as the Expediency of Self-Preservation and without the power of the deciding vote (currently held by the Libs and Independants), the Greens are mired in the Gap of Irrelevancy. Given these factors, it seems unlikely Mr Rudd is going to find a parliamentary solution, at least in this term. He is already talking about a referendum even as all the commentators are already talking about how they hardly ever work and never when the Opposition opposes them (see note above re current mode setting of Queen's Own Federal Opposition). The Double Dissolution option has to be gaining favourability but on such important legislation, and with an election imminent, Mr Rudd will still need to convince the electorate of the need for change, and perusing the documents of the recently abandoned (‘ssh, it’s not dead, it’s sleeping’) ETS legislation suggests the government can be a bit lax when it comes to satisfactorily spruiking a reform agenda to the helots of our great land. Still smarting after Mr Garrett’s scooping the pool in the National Bungling Awards the other day, the government needs to tread carefully, speak slowly and clearly, and offer logic as a wonderful alternative to any other policy option put forward by those seeking access to the Prime Ministerial office suite.

Keywords: now, with, added, Cadmium!
Food manufacturers are having a bit of whinge that they have to write too many words on the sides of their tins, bags, boxes and other containers, leaving no room for loads of advertising and pretty pictures of something that may or may not resemble the actual contents. Consumer groups are claiming that customers have a right to know exactly what they’re buying. The manufacturers are saying that's what all the big letters, bright colours and exclamation marks mean, and they feel that those people concerned with whether food has been irradiated, contains nanoparticles or genetically modified pig brain tomatoes should just trust them. Consumer groups are saying that the last time they did this the manufacturers did things like getting all technical with the language, so that a bunch of food products from overseas put into the big blender in an Australian factory can be labelled ‘Made in Australia.’ Concerns about where something is processed are only part of the issue, however, with other people wanting to know what’s actually in the (insert product name of your choice here, particularly if it’s made by a multinational corporation and/or sold by a major grocery chain) they eat, drink or otherwise ingest. Knowing just how much sugar, trans fats, preservatives, colouring and various heavy metals you’re ingesting allows you to make an informed choice – and withholding  this information only invites criticism that ‘they must be hiding something.’

Keywords: Mr, O, say, can, you, c
Democracy is a wonderful thing. We kept getting told this, and reminded how bad it was when the Commos ran stuff in Eastern Europe when they had those crap cars, concrete houses and a police state apparatus that featured just about every citizen as an informer. Although there are still outbreaks of electoral freedom that get swept under the table by those with a disdain for due process - see, for example, the whinging that took place when Hamas obtained the popular vote in Palestine - heading towards the polls in many nations is still usually seen as a good thing and another example of how it’s all meant to work, as we’re apparently about to have demonstrated in Iraq which is about to vote for a new parliament in an orgy of gunfire, explosions and ink-stained fingertips. Ironically one place where it’s not going so well at the moment is the US, allegedly the bastion of the one-person/one vote paradigm for a fair while now. The System there (and it deserves capitalisation) appears so bogged down in procedure, self-interest, demands by those who hold a range of purse strings and manipulation of the media, that it’s hard to see how anything gets done. One feels for Mr O, who still appears sincere, but surely it has to be getting to him. One wonders if he will eventually succumb to the big ‘c’ with the stress of it all. Cynicism is a crippling condition with no known cure beyond endless re-runs of The Gilmore Girls taken with the occasional dash of Frank Capra. Perhaps Mr O’s visit to the Australian parliament later this month will revive him. Just kidding.

Friday 05 March 2010

Keywords: do, you, want, antibiotics, with, that?
News from the lab suggests that it’s not the burgers, fries, soda and ice cream you’re having for breakfast that’s keeping your tailor in overtime payments loosening, lengthening and strengthening hems, darts, pleats and sundry aspects to the clothing covering the ever-widening load that is your tukhus after all– no, apparently it’s bacteria. Tiny, tiny little bacteria are making you eat more, burn less calories and are contributing to your diabetes and other weight-related health problems. Not only are these bad microscopic fellows making you fat, but they could be making your children fat as well. That’s right, the suggestion is that you can catch fat. Those poor Biggest Losers are going to be so annoyed they spent all that time running, spinning, grunting and being shouted at by a couple of immune thin people when they find out that a handful of antibiotics taken – ironically – after a meal, could have done the trick for them instead. Except... is it really that easy? Are lifestyles where we sit and watch screens, our only exercise the reach of our hands towards the double triple chocca-mocca-frappa-latte with caramel, whipped cream and sprinkles, really not to blame for our increasing waist-lines, love handles, muffin tops, tuck shop lady arms, cottage cheese cheeks, overbellies and a plethora of other wittily named body parts inspired equally by location, size and unpleasant ability to visualise? Is it just a coincidence that top level athletes – world championship wrestlers and shot-putters excluded – never seem to catch fat? Actors often seem to catch fat later in life. Moms and dads can, and I think they put fat germs into soda because junior is looking a little chubby cheeked these days. But Ethiopians seem immune, as do most people in impoverished nations, now I think of it. Great, they can get smallpox, measles, diphtheria and cholera, but not fat. We should disinfect the West and infect Africa. Science. Is there anything it can’t do?

Keywords: racing, towards, safety
A chap from Germany has suggested that removing speed limits will make people safer drivers. (I thought they were already trialling this on Australia’s Picton Road, at least for trucks.) While Mr Ulrich Mellinghoff is not suggesting a couple of lagers before hitting the accelerator will also add to your ability to make split second life and death decisions, the implication seems to be that telling people what speed to drive at means they will always drive at that speed, no matter if there is oil or rain on the road, if there are corners or if people in the passenger seat are screaming at them not be maniacs and to slow down, Godammit! Despite the ease at which you can take the piss out of Mr Mellinghoff’s remarks, apparently at least some of the facts seem to support his argument. 20,000 deaths on West German roads in 1972 has now been reduced to 4100, despite more roads being built, more cars being used and half a country being added on with a bunch of – let’s face it – not so great East German drivers taking Sunday drives on autobahns which in some cases still do not have speed limits. It sounds so unlike the highways and byways of Australia which are practically walled in by a continuing vista of different speed limit signs all with different numbers on them and some of them variable depending on what day of the week it is, what time it is or whether it’s raining. In terms of reducing Germany’s road toll, Mr Mellinghoff also notes that pedestrians, cyclists and motorists in Germany are mostly kept separate, which can only be a good thing for the pedestrians and cyclists. He also appears to feel that car-to-car communication facilities might help improve things, but has he ever driven in Sydney? A two-way linking your vehicle to most Sydney drivers would be the equivalent of inviting Gordon Ramsey to your place after you’ve just crapped on the roast – or even if he’s just convinced you crapped on the roast even if it’s the best roast you ever cooked in your life. You’d be horribly shouted at, sworn at and reviled and who needs that when you’re just trying to get the kids to school, even if you have just accidently done a high speed U-turn on a one-way street in the rain without indicating?

Keywords: resident, prescient, President, precedent
Meanwhile in the States, current inhabitant of the White House Mr O is copping some flak for his plan to come to Australia later in the month and help along Mr Rudd’s election campaign, by which I mean address the Australian parliament, shake a lot of hands and have a million photographers try to capture his soul. The flak is coming not from the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition, at least not yet, but from members of the Prez’s own party, who feel it might be better to have him in America when they start getting all reconciliation on the Republicans collective asses to push through his health reform bill. In fact some Democrats are wondering whether health is even the right thing to be working on right now, what with messes of folk still out of work and all, nearly 10% nationally but apparently much higher if you happen to be black or Latino. But Mr O seems to know what he's doing, although he undeniably needs a win around about now, however. Maybe when he gets his health package through it will remind a few voters he really did mean all those things that he said when it comes time for the mid-term elections just over half a year away.

Thursday 04 March 2010

Keywords: wake, in, fright
It wasn’t so much that the leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition nearly became stranded yesterday somewhere between King’s Canyon and Upper Boondocks. It was more that the group comprising one federal opposition leader, one territory opposition leader and three reporters couldn’t work the satellite phone, didn’t know how to text with it and didn’t appear to know any numbers between them other than Mr Abbott’s press secretary, and there’s never a Leyland Brother around when you want one these days. So it was a near thing, but whether for Mr Abbott or for Australia’s future, only time will tell.

Keywords: relax, this, won’t, hurt, a, bit
Meanwhile Mr Rudd is hard it at on the health reform front, and nothing quite pushes an Opposition Leader lost in the desert off the front pages quite as effectively as a government about to radically remake an entire portfolio. Seeing that in about 25 years the entire budgets of all the states will be smaller than what they’re supposed to be spending just on medical expenses, Mr Rudd has suggested that it might be an idea if the money comes from the commonwealth instead. This sounds like a reasonable plan, at least for the next twenty five years. Quite what happens when Australia’s entire health expenditure exceeds the federal government budget remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure, neither Mr Rudd nor precious few of his ministers will still be around to deal with it when it happens. No, in all likelihood it will be up to Prime Minister (insert the name of your favourite child here) to sort the mess out.

Keywords: up, up, and, away
Carbon emissions in NSW are expected to increase by between 20% to 34% in the next few years, thanks to plans to build two new power stations. Given the lack of work that’s been done on solar, wind, tide and geothermal energy generation in the last few years, the two most likely alternative power sources are gas, which is marginally better environmentally speaking, or coal. Some people appear to feel that coal is likely to be the preferred fuel for the stations, particularly since they’re going to be sited on or adjacent to major coal fields and nowhere near a handy gas pipeline, although there are rumours of one being built, it has to be admitted. Probably in the long run it will all depend on the bottom line, as is usual in such cases. Coal is dirtier but cheaper, and you can't pretend this combination hasn't appealed to all of us on occasion.

Keywords: I, do, I, do, I, do, do, I?
Scientists have discovered the secret of a long happy marriage. Apparently a large component to the ingredient for marital success is a slightly younger wife and a reasonably smarter wife, meaning bigamists and lesbians are the big winners on the day. Oh, I guess one woman could be both. Another way of looking at the figures, I suppose, is that a husband who is slightly dumber and older will also do the trick. Another factor is not to marry someone who is already divorced, as if they tried once and it all went horribly wrong, chances are that it might happen again. What this will mean for all the divorcees out there is uncertain, but rumours that there are plans for various unending wild parties paid for with Child Support money are yet to be denied.

Keywords: still, crazy, after, all, these, years
In America US Prez Mr O is still counting the numbers and wondering whether his health reform legislation, or what’s left of it after it was mauled by Congress over the last year, can finally be enacted if he uses a system called ‘reconciliation’ to get it through the Senate, where the Democrat majority is growing slimmer by the day. The Republicans are calling ‘foul’ and suggesting the process is inappropriate, echoing similar calls by the Dems back in the day when the Bushes ran things and they used the same methodology to give high earners much needed tax cuts. With some health insurance companies apparently lifting premiums in the States by as much as 40%, surely it’s time that someone took the helm here, started shouting ‘hard to port’ and got the ship of state back on an even keel and heading for a safe passage away from the stormy seas of HMO mayhem. Health currently comprises 17% of the US economy, meaning there’s not a great deal left over to pay for wars, offer generous salaries to politicians or give more tax cuts to the needy rich. It’s time to send this baby down the slipway, crack a bottle of Moet over her bow, name her 'Hope' and send her out to head off the iceberg of the mid-term elections before it rushes into harbour like the giant pinball of the Democrats' worst nightmares.

Wednesday 03 March 2010

Keywords: you, want, health, with, that?
War can be a horrible thing, what with the trauma, the tragedy, the waste and the heartbreak – and that’s why it’s so bizarre that the war on fat just got a whole lot harder to digest with news that a certain multinational burger chain you’ll be more than familiar with has called a truce with Weight Watchers. That’s right, a whole three New Zealand McProducts have received the Weight Watchers seal of approval. While some are saying that this is eerily similar to leaving Amy Winehouse in charge of the pharmacy, the CEO of McNew Zealand has claimed that it’s a ‘noble cause.’ Yep, he actually used the word noble. Some people are saying that the whole scheme is nothing but a kiddie trap, where frustrated mums will choose the lo-cal version for themselves while allowing the family to up its collective cholesterol on a range of burgers, chips and square fried things. In case you’re actually concerned about your dietary intake, you might be interested to know that there are apparently only five McProducts which don’t contain sugar – and one of them is mineral water...

Keywords: fuel, for, thought
People concerned about the price of petrol, especially on weekends and public holidays, should take heart that despite the amount of tax currently levied on your average litre of petrol – currently more than half the bowser price – you’re still getting a good deal. The real cost is apparently much higher when you take into account the price of environmental damage, health care and battling to protect foreign oil reserves, now estimated to be more than $100 billion annually not counting a little excursion to a stretch of waterless beach known as Iraq. Former head of the Californian Environmental Protection Agency Terry Tamminen, who is visiting Australia, has pointed out that even though we don’t pay all the cost of petrol at the pump we still do so via our taxes, which makes it a bit unfair on people who don’t drive but still pay taxes, but a bit of a good thing for people who drive and don’t pay taxes, go the Packer family. Mr Tamminen also reminded people that we’re going to run out of oil at some stage. Harold feels that those advocating alternative energy technologies might be onto something, so forget about the climate change sceptic whingers and let’s get on with it, we’re going to need those solar panels, wind farms and geothermic generating plants sooner or later anyway.

Keywords: more, low, cal, chips
A survey has shown that a quarter of Germans have no problems with having computer chips inserted into their bodies, as long as there’s some kind of perceived benefit from it. Presumably this also depends on where and how the chip is inserted... We already microchip our pets so why not the young folk, so they could be brought home safely after having a dozen steins of lager too many. There are a whole other range of possible advantages, such as not having to worry about bringing your wallet along to the shops: you could just have your wrist swiped. Possibly your car ignition could also be linked to the chip – with a clever alcohol monitor meaning the car won’t start if you’re too drunk. As long as the chips don’t make people start doing the same thing at the same time and against their wills – like if we all simultaneously decided to annexe the Sudetenland. No, there won't be any problems with chip insertion. Or will there?

Keywords: Morlocks, nil, roaches, won
In Washington the Prez is hard at it trying to reduce the US nuclear arsenal. The trouble is that the pesky Rooskies don’t want to sign the unilateral arms reduction document while the US keeps talking about installing missile defence systems everywhere, apparently reducing the effectiveness of Russian’s atomic weapons and first strike capability. Mr O is trying to reduce by about 600 the number of Uncle Sam’s warheads, down from the 2200 currently held, although it's true that there are about another 2500 still down the back shed ‘in reserve.’ In reserve for what? How much of the earth would even be left if they fired 1600 nuclear weapons each? You won’t see a lot of bellyaching from climate change sceptics then, should any survive the plutonium induced global holocaust. No, it will be eerily quiet in most parts of the world, although expect a few American and Russians to emerge from their mineshafts at some stage in the long distant future, all white and Morlocky, to see what sort of civilisation the cockroaches have come up with. My bet is that it will feature potatoes somewhere. I’ve noticed they seem to like potatoes...

Tuesday 02 March 2010

Keywords: federalising, the, state, of, Australia’s, health
In Canberra, the Prime Minister Kevin Rudd appears to have realised that his plans for home insulation and his ETS legislation have both gone up in smoke and disappeared like so many tonnes of carbon entering the atmosphere. He has now decided that his government had better get on with something if there’s to be a hope of avoiding an office move later in the year. As a result we had some word on home defence last week, education yesterday and now health is being moved into the slot for the next round of press releases, interviews and photo ops. It seems the new health policy is likely to be a model which is federalised with a pay per patient methodology for local hospitals, which sounds a lot better than the 'pick a large number, add ten, multiply by the amount of your choice and send out a cheque' model which seems the current paradigm of state-based health funding. Quite what the states are going to make of it all is hard to say. Liberal state governments (currently only WA but there could be more soon) might decide not to like it because it will make it harder for Federal Labor to get this big ticket item properly marketed to the electorate by voting day, or they might go, ‘OK, that’s one item of the budget we don’t need to worry about, way-hey, let’s put in an order for a dozen more hospitals and have a big whinge when they don’t arrive by Thursday’. The state Labor governments might go, ‘uh huh, just what we were thinking, let’s put in an order for a dozen more hospitals and have a big whinge when they don’t arrive by Thursday’, or they might decide to fight against it because some of them are about to have elections themselves and have worked out that their chances of polling well are better if they oppose the new policy for arcane parochial reasons. One thing’s for sure, political expediency will be the winner on the day in terms of this major opportunity for national reform, and quite how Mr Rudd will handle the requisite negotiations will contribute greatly towards our feelings for him when his government comes up for re-election later in the year.

Keywords: the, four, ‘r’s’: readin’, ritin’, rithmatic, reconciliation
In terms of education, it seems that we’re moving towards a one country, one curriculum concept, which can only be a good thing for anyone who actually goes to school in Australia in the twenty-first century. It's not all plain sailing, however, as various folk opposed to there actually being any sort of transparency in the study of our nation’s history have naturally started foaming at the mouth at the thought that words such as ‘invasion,’ ‘Stolen Generations’ or ‘massacre’ should enter lexicon of our nation’s classrooms, unless of course they’re in the context of young Australian men dying in the service of England on the fields of France or hillsides of Turkey nearly a hundred years ago. Others are worried that the ink on some of the curriculum documents isn’t quite dry yet, suggesting that there was a bit of a rush to get them from the printers and we all know what happens then, so look out, some of the ceilings could be live, best not put your hand up just yet if you know the right answer. All this talk about subject matter is one thing, but will it actually assist our nation’s school children to learn more efficiently? Engagement within the classroom is the key to strong learning outcomes, and while some topics are more likely to appeal to certain people, it should be remembered that without innovative and inspirational teachers, the whole thing could just land us in detention, and yes, I’m talking to you, up the back there, now pay attention, OK?

Keywords: hey, look, what, I, found!
Somewhere in Central Australia the leader of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition, Mr Abbott, has discovered some poor Indigenous folk are coughing a lot and don’t have adequate housing, which is not a bad effort after all the years he was a Federal minister and didn’t notice a thing.

Keywords: donate, to, chile
In Chile the death toll from the recent earthquake has reached 708, but is expected to rise. The president has declared a state of catastrophe.

Keywords: one, person, one, vote, one, bullet
In what could set an alarming trend for other world leaders, Nouri al-Maliki in Iraq has been accused of handing out thousands of free guns to tribal leaders as a vote winning measure. You didn't consider a new health policy, sir? Mr Maliki has apparently said offering the weapons, and / or cash payments was fine, especially in an election year, and pointed to the nice engravings on the side of the guns with friendly political messages like, ‘Aim straight for peace,’ ‘Reload the president’, and ‘Don’t mess with Mesopotamia.’ Apparently the President ordered 10,000 pistols from those friendly arms manufacturers in America, so expect some of the bullets to return to America inside the bodies of US soldiers any day now. In Russia they don’t worry with pesky things like guns, they’re giving away tanks. Apparently a couple of hundred T-80 and T-72 armoured vehicles were left in a forest – possibly some of the 10,000 tanks now considered ‘surplus to requirements’ by the Russian army. Think how many votes you could buy with a tank. Are you reading this, Sarah Palin?

Monday 01 March 2010

Keywords: honesty, is, the, best, health, policy
Prime Minister Rudd has come close to exhibiting a little known political trait known in the trade as ‘honesty.’ Appearing on ABC-TV's Insiders program yesterday, Mr Rudd marked himself and his government down in several areas, leaving some members of his ministry to say, ‘speak for yourself, Kevin, I’m actually doing a wonderful job, thanks.’ On questions about the recent insulation scheme, Mr Rudd claimed that Peter Garrett’s weaknesses in this area stemmed not from his inability to handle his portfolio, but Mr Garrett’s inability to handle the increasing size of his portfolio. This is tantamount to Mr Garrett becoming the Norma Desmond of Australian politics. Not so much the ‘I am big. It's the pictures that got small, but; ‘I am small, it’s the Environment Department that got big.’ Mr Rudd also admitted that the (Not so) Great Recession had slowed everything down a bit, what with all cheques he had to sign and money he had to borrow, but that was still no excuse for the late delivery of the new health plan, now nine months late. It now seems there’s a chance of an emergency operation to have it brought into the world in the next few days, and it’s just a coincidence that Mr Abbott will be visiting the Indigenous in Central Australia round about then. This will reduce the chance of our Tony being able to hold up the government’s new policy and say, ‘This is our policy but it's been re-worded with bigger font and they’ve used different colours on the graphs!’

Keywords: wheat, we, have, here, is, a, failure, to, communicate
After watching The Insiders yesterday and Good News Week last Monday, Harold believes Mr Rudd thinks he is coming across as a straight speaker - with occasional comedic capacity. The problem is that he isn’t. Mr Rudd seems more like a slightly bewildered professor explaining a cake recipe than a leader inspiring a nation to greater things. If he means ‘a cup of flour’ he shouldn’t say, ‘We need to ask ourselves if what we really desire in this case, and I think you’ll agree with me that we do, is the precise inflowing of a ground wheat-based product, Barry, containing the exact mean of one half and one-and-a-half standard measuring units into a hollow receptacle moulded from thermoset polymer with incremental graduations.’ He should just say ‘250 grams of refined quality Australian wheat grown by good honest Australian farmers for true blue Australian families’ just like previous Australian PMs have always done.

Keywords: love, means, never, having, to, say, smile, please, now, take, off, your, dress
From the side of an oval somewhere in Sydney comes word of a fiasco starring well known adornment Lara Bingle. All Harold has to say on that matter is that if you go out with sport players, Lara, don’t get surprised when they start handing around the nude photographs, especially if you’ve been a bit lax in the past and allowed some of them to take ‘modelling’ shots of you ‘as a joke’ or because they’re ‘quite interested in art, no, really’. Next time, date a writer – even if we do occasionally pass paragraphs describing people’s souls amongst ourselves, we still do it discreetly. Harold is also wondering why there has been no news reports of the small car accident that occurred recently when the Ms Lara was on her way home from winning a bracelet at an African Housie game and dance. Is there a press embargo on the Lara Bingle Jungle Bungle Bingo Bangle Bingle? Or did I write that just 'as a joke’?

Keywords: Eddie, gone, but, not, forgotten, no, matter, how, hard, we, try
While the world may be mourning the loss of the Vancouver Ice-capades, it should be remembered that every dispersing sports-mad crowd has a silver lining, and the win for everyone in this case is the slightly lessened workload for Mr E McGuire who will disappear from our night time screens, at least for a little while. Quite what Eddie was doing in Canada apart from attempts to be affable while only offending a significant percentage of those watching his stumbling attempts to appear as if he really knew what he was talking about is unsure, however we can be certain of one thing: he got paid an awful lot for all that inanity. Justice? What justice?

Keywords: candid, medical, assessment
Meanwhile in Washington the Prez took a break from reforming the health system to have his annual physical. The results were encouraging, showing no great problems other than a suggestion that he continue ‘smoking cessation efforts’. Perhaps Mr O feels that slowly killing himself with sweet lady nicotine will help him through those times of ordering more young American and random Iraqis/ Afghanis/ (insert other nationality of your choice here) to be quickly killed in the name of peace. Other than a slight pain in his left knee Mr O is ‘fit for duty’ and ready to start kicking Republican butt. Or maybe that’s where the mild patella crepitus came from...

Previous Issues

February 2010

January 2010

December 2009

Satirical content of The Sadly Moaning Harold, with due respect to the entire reporting apparatus of the Fairfax Media Organisation's The Sydney Morning Herald from which its source material is derived, remains Copyright (2009) with its writer Simon Luckhurst. Since the failure of the 'brilliant but flawed' Beige of Empires pre-2007 Australian Federal election satrical website, I've been casting around for other ways to spread the love. The ascension of Lord Tony to the throne and the looming prospect of another election has proved too tempting, so, I'm back... and this time, it's political.

While discerning readers might claim too much of my attention is focused on the political right, I assure you that this is a complete coincidence - it's just that the right has been offering more material of late. Truth be told, my tolerance for most politicians is at an all-time low, for both sides of whichever house they're sitting in.