keywords: mythical, Centrelink, Medicare, Prez
ITEM Somewhere in far yonder mythical kingdom of Washington, a lonely President contemplates the social reform which would be needed to make America as nice a place to live as Australia is with all its Medicares and Centrelinks and other taxpayer funded stuff meant to prevent the gap between rich and poor widening further than absolutely necessary.
Monday 25 January 2010
keywords: plane, AK-47, photo ID, cavity
ITEM Someone has noticed that when you board some of the smaller planes in the national commercial aviation fleet at regional airports that you don’t need to bother about fiddly things like photo IDs or trying to hide the AK-47 in your carry on, even on Straya Day. While presumably the cost of actively screening every passenger would jack up ticket prices, possibly the business model of a certain cutprice Australian airline could be followed here, and you could bill passengers based on how much you had to inspect them. Personally I would quite like to see a charge for ‘body cavity search’ appear on my next credit card statement, but it also has to be admitted at this point that I’m very easily amused.
keywords: nation, tax, health, broke
ITEM Someone else has noticed that we’re spending more of the revenue we collect in taxes on doctors, hospitals, medication and magnetic resolution imaging and that pretty soon all the money will be gone, possibly even by next Wednesday at 3.30 if I can fit you in. That’s right, the slight hum you’re hearing is not the beginnings of a brain tumour or even the collective exhausts of a million V8s being used by their owners to do continual donuts in celebration of Straya Day, but the constant swiping of Medicare cards and consequent incessant electronic communication of a financial nature between doctor’s surgeries, the Department of the Treasury and your wallet. Here in NSW we expect to spend $7 billion on transport but $15 billion on health this year, suggesting that if an array of mobile operating theatres were attached to the backs of trains it could be a potential win-win solution for the long distance commuter. Meanwhile, Mr Abbott, he’s gone, he’s gone, like, Mr Rudd is a fraud for not doing anything about Federalising health, right, even though Mr Abbot himself had like, he had eleven years in power right, and he spent some of that time as health minister, and has had another eighteen months since, and now he’s gone, he’s gone, that he’ll be releasing the Opposition’s health policy ‘in due course’ and that kinda suggests he still hasn’t worked out what to do, ay?
keywords: ceremonies, signatures, postal service, surprise!
ITEM Meanwhile, as the nation prepares for Straya Day tomorrow by the collective attaching of myriad flags and sundry bunting to the roofs of its cars – imported cars, in many cases, it should be noted – calls have been made for Citizenship affirmation ceremonies to occur whereby folk can sort of renew their vows to the nation. Dragging people up on stage to ask if they’re for us or against us sounds about as useful to me as signing your name on a parcel stating it doesn’t contain dangerous items – although it has to be said that, thus far at least, the Australia Post signature strategy does seem to have prevented any sort of terrorist act by mail. Go figure.
keywords: guns, guns, guns, bombs
ITEM A man with a gun – in fact, quite a few of them apparently – has recorded a song which is not about Straya Day, but one which nevertheless has now been seen on You Tube more than a million times. His little ditty is about liking guns, and in case there’s some confusion it’s called I Like Guns, and it shows him shooting so many guns he had to go to Cambodia to film it partly because some of the guns he likes are banned in Australia, and partly because you get to shoot at live targets over there. Mr Lee, who sang the song, said, 'When you watch movies, firearms are portrayed as a bad thing … I wanted to show that they can be used for fun and sport and not violence.' Rumours are that his next hit will be an ode to other bringers of joy such as belts made of al-Quaeda brand explosives, or box cutters, or Zyklon B nerve gas...
keywords: Obama, Clinton, sex, rugs
ITEM Meanwhile in America, where there probably aren’t so many people planning to celebrate Straya Day, although it would be much better for everyone if they did, Mr B. Obama has apparently been consulting with Mr B. Clinton formerly of this address and now presumably fresh from a sex addiction rehabilitation clinic somewhere near you. Apparently Mr Obama wants to know how best to make his comeback after the incident in Massachusetts the other day. We are also expecting visits to the White House from Mr J. Travolta and Aerosmith any day now. We here at the Harold take this as a sign that Mr Obama is still interested in fighting the good fight, and getting a few more year’s wear out of the rug in the middle of the oval office, although just quite how they tell it’s in the middle we’re not sure as we didn’t pay enough attention in maths the day we did that all that stuff on ellipses, but we think there's a formula.
Saturday 23 January 2010
ITEM From the First Cab off the Rank department comes word that Opposition response to Treasury Secretary Ken Henry’s review into the Australian tax system is going to feature the traditional rhetoric of splenic outrage and rabid self-interest and, as predicted in the Harold yesterday, foaming from the orifices. Hello there Treasurer of Western Australia Troy Buswell, and could you please explain just exactly what you mean by describing NSW as a ‘rust-bucket state’? Mr Buswell began his tirade/rant/foaming because of the suggestion that mining royalties become a national thing rather than a state-based thing, so in the same way that NSW now watches a large share of the GST revenue collected in Sydney get posted out to other states, so WA might see a larger share of mining royalties from Karratha being scattered over the entire nation in the form of Western Australian pixie dust. In his response, Mr Buswell also trotted out the phrase ‘outrageous Canberra tax grab’ and took ‘WA will become an outpost of Canberra’ for a spin. We here at the Harold are quietly waiting for the response to the tax review to get into full swing as various Opposition members and their ilk all step up to take a shot. Should be fun.
ITEM In what really should have been headline material, word has arrived from Japan that researchers there, tired of waiting for the return of the whaling fleet and its plethora of scientific data, aka sushi, have started having a look at a little known creature with the delightful name of slime mould. Now no-one likes slime, and not many people are that big on mould either, so to be an organism that is parts of both must be something of a drag. (If that isn’t enough, there’s one kind which is known as ‘dog’s vomit’ slime mould. Kind of scooped the pool at the ‘Big Ew’ Awards, didn’t you, little fella? Evolution can be so harsh sometimes. Just ask Piers Ackerman...) While the good news for humans is that slime moulds like nothing more than chowing down on a tub of the ol’ bacteria, it should also be remembered that on at least one occasion in the past one went a bit troppo and started devouring everything in its path, as documented in the 1958 Steve McQueen classic, The Blob. (Who remembers 1958?) The chaps in Japan have discovered that if they create like, a toy city which has like, these really really little streets and houses and other bits which are all loaded up with oats to represent, like, warehouses and concert venues and offices and schools and that, then, and this is the cool thing, when they let the slime mould loose it heads straight for the porridge the quickest way and in the process creates an outline for the city’s most efficient transport system. Here at the Harold we say, Slime Mould for Premier! Sorry, what? Oh, we’ve already tried that...
ITEM Word has reached us from Victoria (the ‘other Tasmania’) that the government there is planning to destroy the cars of hoons found street racing three times or more. Placing the vehicles in a giant hopper and watching them slowly get crushed has to be a better option than letting their owners fill the vehicles with their classmates and doing it at high speed with the help of the nearest available tree.
ITEM With current Australian immigration levels placed somewhere in the upper echelon of historical rates, Mr T. Abbott of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition has used a Straya Day speech to pick on the few thousand illegal immigrants aka refugees who try to get here each year by boat. Yep, while hundreds of thousands of new settlers fly into the nation’s airports, there’s still time to have a go at those hardy souls who decide they’ve had enough of waiting for a visa to get out of the war zone/ refugee camp/ famine struck area they used to call home until they risked their lives moving somewhere where there actually are things like jobs, political stability and law and order - at least most of the time. (Yes, I'm talking about you, certain suburbs of south-west Sydney...)
ITEM In the US it has been noticed among certain folk in Washington that the average bonus for the staff of the Goldman Sachs bank this year was half a mill. That’s right, folks, 32,000 employees had their pay packets enriched to the tune of an average of $500,000 each. Of course, it could be that the head honchos got a whole heap and the mailboy got not very much at all, but still, it does sound a lot, doesn't it? Mr Obama, who is pretty sure he let the US banking sector have a whole heap of public money just a little while back, thinks it might be prudent to impose a tax on banks partly because it’s not really fair that the US taxpayers should hand over so much money and then see it distributed so readily to everyone in the office, even the mailboy, and secondly because after the thumping in Massachusetts the other day he’s probably thought that about now is a good time to do something electorally popular, and nothing quite says ‘electoral popularity’ like having a go at the banks. We here at the Harold still hope the Prez has time to think about a bit of the old social reform as well as working on the politically expedient stuff.
Friday 22 January 2010
ITEM In news that will no doubt have many in the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition leaping towards the nearest microphone, video camera or unsuspecting passerby, Ken Henry, currently conducting a review of the little cash cow we like to call the Australian Taxation System, has mentioned that if current levels of government service are going to be maintained, or even slightly improved, then maybe possibly perhaps some tax rates might have to go up a wee bit. Or at least stop consistently going down as various political parties make rash promises in order to get people to elect them. Expect eyebrow-raised outrage, continual finger jabbing and foaming from the orifices from most members of the Liberal Party as they declare the idea of raising taxes as being un-Australian – despite their squandering a whole heap of public money when they were in power and not putting nearly enough aside for a rainy day such as the Global Financial Crisis might be considered to be. Not that the response from the Government is likely to be much better. There’ll be a lot of use of the phrase ‘under serious and meaningful consideration’ and other similar official gobbledegook, but you can bet there’ll be nothing close to explaining in real terms where any increases in government revenue will be spent, although there is a slight chance that MP’s allowances will need to be increased to keep them in line with those of other countries – like Imaginary Land. There’s no doubt that the electorate would like to see improvements in health and education standards, and maybe a bit on the old transport system, and many would say that money should also be spent on improving the situation for the Indigenous, and possibly a few more national parks and did I hear anyone mention global warming? An actual blueprint for the future, such as might have been expected after the gabfest that was the (taxpayer funded) Australia 2020 summit could assist the public in their enquiries here as to where the heck we’re actually heading, but it appears such a document is yet to emerge from the printers. If you’re seriously talking about using a bit more of our cash to fund your vision of Australia down the track, Mr Rudd, would you mean setting it out in several short, concise paragraphs – Times New Roman 14-pt double spaced, if you wouldn’t mind – so we could have a gander? (Who remembers having a gander?)
ITEM The news from the whalers and anti-whalers in the southern oceans is that there continues to be no news (see our edition for 12 January). Presumably they’re all still down there doing the tracking and blocking and slaughtering and shouting, but when will they come back with the videos? And when will the next research paper describing the look in a giant cetacean’s eye as it takes its last breaths with a spear or two sticking out of its side hit the pages of Scientific Japanese magazine?
ITEM From the ‘Do you want fries with that?’ department comes a report from America which seems to suggest that if a fast-food franchise is situated within 160 metres of a school then it brings with it the likelihood of a 5% increase in the obesity rate for that school. What the...?! This came on top of another study which showed that when people were offered information on the nutritional value of their food they made better eating choices. In one multinational coffee chain which doesn’t sponsor the Harold and so won’t get its name mentioned here, there were 6% fewer calories sold when the menu displayed the nutritional makeup of the food alongside its name and price. Mind you, this place also sold a cup of joe which had so much crap added to it that it held nearly 50% more calories than a popular burger from a global ‘restaurant’ chain which also doesn’t sponsor us.
ITEM I imagine there’s more than one downcast face attached to an equally depressed body mournfully wandering the halls of the White House today. Here at the Harold we say, man up, Mr Obama. Stop the moping and use this as a time to re-invent your Presidency. You once had the audacity of hope, but we yet hope for audacity. There’s still time to be the leader you claimed you’d be. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, they say, unless it’s calorie-overloaded coffee of course, so c'mon, get back in the ring. When the going gets tough, etc. We expect to see you battling Congress again asap, and let’s see some more of that social reform you promised the American people, and by implication, the world.
Thursday 21 January 2010
ITEM From the cause and effect department comes news that another major Sydney infrastructure project has failed financially, or as the Sydney Morning Herald reporter so wittily put it, ‘collapsed’ into receivership. How we laughed. The Lane Cove Tunnel was expected to see 100,000 vehicles a day broach its shining orifices, however has only been used by an amount described as ‘nearly half.’ The tunnel can now join Sydney’s other expensive white elephants – the Cross City Tunnel and the Airport Railway Line – as fantastic examples of what can happen if people are expected to pay too much. Why catch the train to the airport when it can cost as much as a taxi? Why drive through over-priced tunnels when you can contribute to the gridlock on the surface for free? Our tip: rather than rely on the ‘build it and they will come’ slightly dodgy economic blueprint, public / private investment partnerships should have a look at the old supply and demand paradigm. Lower your prices, watch your patronage bloom and realise that more people paying less can still generate a profit greater than less people paying a whole shitload more than they want to.
ITEM In what could be the programming equivalent of televisual suicide, a certain breakfast television show which consistently lags behind the ratings of another certain breakfast television show – you know the ones I mean, and I didn’t have to mention their brand names – have invited Mr T. Abbott of the Queen’s Own Federal Opposition and Ms. J. Gillard of a Deputy Prime Minister’s Office Near You to appear regularly for little outbreaks of verbal sparring and veiled smiling. This columnist can already hear the muffled giggles and see the slightly flirty eyes of Mr Abbott, and no doubt Ms Gillard will employ similar tactics. I would say the whole scenario is enough to put the entire Great Southern Land off its breakfast, but surely breakfast television in general has already done that.
ITEM Apparently some airlines are thinking of charging obese passengers for the extra seat they require for their carry on flab. That’s right, folks, if you can’t fit into a 43 cm seat it’s down the stairs and back into the airport foodcourt for you. The ruling has some implications for the 21% of Australians who are obese, as the potential exists for the same restrictions to be imposed here as well, unlike in some countries where they eat a lot of red meat and pancakes and where they have legislated a one person – one seat policy. Yes, I mean you, Canada. Airlines in the States claim to be paying $275 million in extra fuel costs because of weight-enhanced passengers. Possibly the answer is to allow all passengers to pay by the kilo, which would lower prices for some people as well as encouraging a rigorous health regime prior to departing for that interstate / overseas holiday.
ITEM Whacky arms manufacturers in America have started putting bible messages on various attachments to their high powered assault rifles, presumably not in the hope that the person about to pull the trigger will suddenly come to the Lord and renounce violence, but so some infidel can be blown away with God’s holy uranium-depleted hollow-point righteousness. The verses include John 8:12 ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the gift of life, now eat lead, asshole’ and Corinthians 4:6, ‘For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness”, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ, can you see them, they’re in the bushes, take that you mothers, ammo, I need ammo, Jesus, help Blocker, he’s been hit, oh Lord, they’re everywhere, we’re surrounded, medic, medic, incoming, Jesus, help me, Jesus, what do you mean you’re not listening, Jesus? Come back here while I pray to you, Godammit, get back here right now and bless this holy rifle so that I can continue blowing men, women and children apart in your Name.’ (Insert rifle fire and continuous screaming here...)
ITEM From the ‘oh how the irony abounds’ department comes news that one man with a large truck – and let’s make it clear from the outset that we are not using the word truck in any kind of euphemistic sense – has bought himself a ticket to the US Senate / gravy train for life. The son of a couple who apparently divorced a collective total of eight times, who once posed naked ‘to pay for law school’ – could he not work as a kitchen hand like the rest of us? – and who once briefly attempted shoplifting – presumably also ‘to pay for law school’ – has been elected in what many people are signalling as a loud knell of the deathly kind for Mr B. Obama’s reform of the US health system. Yes folks, the legislation that could bring affordable health care to millions of Americans is itself now in dire need of a pair of paddles, thousands of volts and someone to call ‘Clear!’ One of the really weird ironies, however, which will surely bring Mr Obama no joy at all, even of the wry kind of smile kind, is that one reason Mr Brown won’t vote for the proposed national health care changes is that back in ‘06 he did support similar changes for Massachusetts – and feels that moves of a Federal nature might upset those now in place for the good voters of Boston and its surrounds. Right now Mr Obama must be seriously questioning his decision to run for President so he could battle Congress to bring about much needed social reform in America. Best keep him away from the holy rifles in the War Room for a couple of days, methinks.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
STOP PRESS It seems that former pin up boy Scott Brown has pulled off a major and unexpected upset and come home in the US Senate for the Republicans, and won the race for Massachusetts. Less than ninety minutes after the last chad was dimpled, punched or impregnated, Brown started celebrations in the Boston Park Plaza Hotel. The win is something of a disappointment for last year's poster boy elect, Mr B. Obama, who will now have to push quite a lot of faecal matter up rather a steep incline if he wants to get anything done in Congress. It is also somewhat ironic that after the seat being held for 46 years by the late Mr E. Kennedy - a champion of health care reform - that it should have fallen to someone who has indicated that he'd prefer things not to change in that regard if he has any sort of say in the matter, or indeed the deciding vote. Which now he does.
ITEM As predicted here in the Harold way back in our first edition (see 04 December for a heady dose of nostalgia and fond reminiscence), they’re about to commit infrastructure euthanasia on yet another plan to improve Sydney’s public transport system. The health of the mythical CBD Metro appeared to take a turn for the worse yesterday when NSW Premier Kristina Keneally indicated it might be time to trot out another roll of blueprints and call them the NSW Government’s Current Transport Strategy for a while. This eternal roundabout of policies, initiatives, drafts and revisions have pretty much ensured that Sydney has had only one new rail link built in the last decade or so – well, actually only half a link if you look at its original intention. Instead of connecting up with another line down the track, it now comes to a series of ‘all out, all change’ announcements, also familiar to commuters on another railway spur known as the Eastern Suburbs line. Did you not read the Harold yesterday, Kristina? Australia’s population is going to increase by 14 million people over the next forty years, and I suspect that one or two of them are going to want to come and live in Sydney. Is it not enough that in four years the NSW capital will already be missing 200,000 homes (see 08 January’s report) – now it’s also going to be a few rail lines short of a full metropolis. Which, come to think of it, might not be a bad description of the person who’s supposed to be in charge of this whole public transport planning debacle.
ITEM Well, somebody had to say it, and despite Foreign Minister Stephen Smith’s announcements to the contrary, (see, for example, our issue for 13 January and my aren’t we digging into the vaults this morning?) a certain former chief of the Australian Defence Forces, Mr P. Cosgrove (ret), has pointed out that there maybe probably is a link between bashings of Indian students and a little blemish on the national psyche which for the purposes of today’s lecture I’m going to label racism. There, I said it, and so did Mr Cosgrove, and we’re both glad it’s out so that we can stop beating about the Bush, and the Cities for that matter, and get on with actually doing something about it. Here at the Harold our personal suggestion is that we should make more of 26 January as the national day – of India. That’s right folks, in a whacky coincidence Indian Independence Day falls on the same day that Australia’s own celebrations of rum, sodomy and the lash take full flight. With less than a week to go it’s a shame that Those in Power haven’t got the Tele to start printing some Indian flags which could fly alongside the Union Jack-bearing ones fluttering from the back doors of most of the Commodores I’ve seen lately. And perhaps someone could design some Indian flag bikinis and towels to go with them? Sadly it will probably be another lost opportunity, and apart from calls to really give those louts who beat up Indian students like, a really really good talking to, and make them promise to really never do it again, sad to say, probably not much else will happen. (By the way, we here at the Harold will also be commemorating the fall of Khartoum to the Mahdi and his troops in 1885 on 26 January, in case you were wondering...)
ITEM Just to follow up yesterday’s item about a certain prince, it appears that Wills has been given an Australian tax-payer funded blank cheque in terms of the cost of security arrangements et al, as confirmed today by a lackey in the office of the Prime Minister. We note the silence of Mr Abbott on this issue. We thought he might be out there practising a bit of the old lickspittle, but he must be submerged deep in a Liberal Party think tank somewhere, as he’s been a bit quiet lately. Too quiet... (see 15 December, by the way).
ITEM Up in Tamworth (who remembers Tamworth?) folk at the country and western festival have begun to wonder just when it was that they sold out to so many corporations, but can you please tell me the way to the Naming Rights Tent so I can watch the winner of the Naming Rights Quest as part of the Naming Rights Concert. We here at the Harold will never spruik for any kind of corporation, multi-national or other organisation, unless of course they give us some money. Our advertising banner is still mysteriously blank, but one day, my friends, one day...
ITEM Meanwhile, who is winning in Massachusetts? (And, if I could digress for a moment, isn’t it amazing that I’ve now learned how to spell Massachusetts?) As this article is written, the polling booths of Boston etc are still open for another two hours so that voters can puzzle over the nature of their chads and decide whether this really is a referendum on health care. Assume the Harold will update you later on today, probably about 2pm Eastern AEDST. One person who will of course be waiting anxiously on the Harold’s update is US President Mr B. Obama, who desperately needs candidate Coakley to get across the line so he can continue his battle with Congress to push forward an agenda of social reform with any hope of actually achieving it, apart from longer and longer riders (see, in a last fit of cross-referencing, our edition for 21 December.) Sadly, it seems no-one likes the scent of desperation, and at the time of writing, the situation does not look so good for the Prez.
Tuesday 19 January 2010
ITEM The news from the Lodge is that collectively, as a nation, we’re getting older. In forty years there will be only 2.7 working age Australians for everyone over 65 filling the overcrowded RSL lounges of the future. Of course this estimate is based on the Chinese not having invaded by then, but what are the chances of that? Back in the day, which in this case is the 1970s, more than 7.5 people between 15 and 65 supported the OAPs of the time, however it should probably be remembered that most of those in the workforce back then were men, whose good women kept spotless homes, food on the table and wishing for more fulfilling lives. Given that the predicted population of Australia in 2050 is 36 million, it suggests that you’d best reserve your parking space at the club tomorrow for any hope of leaving the car within walking distance of the next available pokie / bowling green / lamington drive. (Of course population levels could rise even more sharply with the Chinese invasion, but again I ask you, what are the odds?) Really, 36 million people in Australia in 40 years? There's only 22 million here now. That’s nearly – but not quite – double. Enjoy your reminiscences of today’s uncrowded morning peak in Sydney while you can, it’s soon going to get a whole lot worse. Apparently one of the ways to deal with an aging population is to increase current levels of productivity, and the Prime Minister, Mr Rudd, has thankfully led by example here. I’m going to call this without any kind of fact checking, but I suspect he’s the first Australian PM to release a children’s book (co-authored by a minor celebrity and long time ALP supporter) while in office. In true Rudd style, the title includes the word ‘kerfuffle’, a fantastic example of our leader’s inability to practise plain speaking in any medium. Quite what the nation’s children are going to make of the frolicsome antics of a couple of fluffy furry fun-lovin’ PM’s pets is yet to be seen, but I wouldn’t be betting it’s going to top the Harry Potter franchise just yet. I expect it's been selling well to certain right-leaning columnists, however, in order that they can denounce it any day now as a socialist tract design to subvert the hearts and minds of the nation's pre-schoolers. Come on, Mr Abbott. It’s time to lift your game. Let’s hear some stories of your pet Llama Benito and the mischievous malarkey he gets up to in his battles against believers in climate change. Ye Gads...
ITEM It seems that a certain Prince of the ‘next but one in line to the throne’ type will soon descend on Australia, presumably spending some of our tax dollars on security arrangements, and definitely blowing a wad of the UK workers’ hard earned on travel and accommodation. Many Australians, some ironically preparing to get shit faced on Straya Day to prove their loyalty to sunburn and V8s, are expected to turn out in an attempt to glimpse him. For all the commentary about the ‘bond’ between Australia and the British royalty, it should be remembered that the first royal visit down under didn’t occur until the colony was well into its 90s, when Prince Alfred arrived in 1868 in time to be shot by discontented Irishman Henry O’Farrell. Subsequent visits by lesser royals took place intermittently, but it wasn’t until 1954 than an actual British King or Queen set foot on the hallowed sands of Bondi, or similar. That’s right, a mere 166 years after the first attempts at gridlock were made by British criminals and their guards at Sydney Cove, someone in the upper echelon of the ruling class actually stopped by to check up on things. Since then, a whole lot of public money has been squandered on other royal visits, and wouldn’t it be cool to know what it could have actually built if we hadn’t spent it that way. While William appears an amiable young man who has undeniably suffered through family tragedy – and you know I’m not talking here just about having Prince Philip as a grandfather – it appears that there’s a chance he won’t be King of Australia until he’s in his 70s, which given the stats on Australia’s aging population cited above, suggests he might fit right in should the monarchy have been given the boot from the UK by then for continually sponging, milking and mooching. You have been warned.
ITEM In the US, the fight for the late Mr E. Kennedy’s Senate seat has tightened, leaving Mr Obama little time over the weekend to continue battling Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Monday 18 January 2010
ITEM Australia’s police are being given unprecedented powers to locate and identify people by now having access to a range of databases. But what could possibly go wrong? Almost 80,000 checks a day are currently being made by use of the various systems, which suggests there’s less time on the street for our boys and girls in blue and more time developing RSI and arguments over who used the printer last and didn’t put toner in. But at least all this poking around the nation’s mainframes also infers something is going on in the way of arresting the various folk who seek the main chance or who get plastered and forget old fashioned values like ‘personal responsibility’. Amongst all the high tech stuff, police apparently now also have access to the listed phone number and address of every person in the country. (For what it’s worth, we at the Harold used to call these ‘phone books’, but now we call them the ‘White Pages on-line’.) Folk from the NSW Council for Civil Liberties, who care enough to keep tabs on things like this, and not just because of the right of criminals to avoid having their doors kicked in at 6am when the DNA match is positive but because of the capacity for the misuse of information, have suggested someone should be keeping an eye on just who has access to the info, presumably because there has been the odd occasion in the past when police have suffered a bit from the old corruption. Given that many of the records being used by police seem to come from their own data gathering systems – prison records, fingerprint records, DNA records, ‘vehicles of interest’ records and photographs, many of which are of the type called mug shots – possibly the suggestion is that, if you want to keep information on yourself out of the hands of the police, don’t come to their attention in the first place. Either walk the straight and narrow or be really really clever and don’t get caught. And best stay away from drinking heavily. With around 50% of police work stemming from members of the public having a few bevvies more than is good for them, sometimes that decision to have one more for the road/ footpath/ airport terminal can be a short cut not only to some time in a small holding enclosure, but also to a new entry in an ever expanding database.
ITEM As the world is shocked by photographs of another humanitarian crisis of epic proportions, perhaps now is time to ask when systems are going to be put in place to ensure the suffering of other people will be reduced in other locations when future disasters occur. The continually distressing images emerging from Haiti evoke memories of South East Asia after Boxing Day ‘04 and Louisiana in August ‘05. The link between all three events appears to be a lack of planning on the part of the authorities as to how to effectively manage the recovery effort. When events like the Olympics, World Cup and annual Hajj can be meticulously organised, surely the United Nations can have a ready reserve of member nations standing by for when the next earthquake, wall of water or hurricane hits. While acknowledging the heroic efforts being made by the Red Cross and other such relief organisations, as Hurricane Katrina showed us, the capability of an individual government even with huge amounts of resources at its disposal doesn’t guarantee a speedy and effective response given the sheer scale of the tragedy. In the age of instant telecommunications we, as a race, have a duty to act. If the news crews can get in there, so can the food and shelter.
ITEM US President Mr B. Obama faces a new challenge today, that of helping a Democrat retain the key Massachusetts Senate seat held previously by the late Edward Kennedy for most of the last half-century. That the President, ushered into office with so much hope and goodwill, should find his party on the ropes so quickly in what was previously considered to be a blue ribbon seat, shows the twin evils he is facing, namely his having to respond to stuff not of his making, like the Global Financial Crisis, as well as the increasing reach of the natural enemy of Democrats in America: the Fox News Network. While its recent signing of former US Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin won’t have done a whole lot to increase the collective IQ of the Rupert Murdoch-owned broadcaster, apparently she is still venerated by many of the lads and lasses given to wearing wide hats and driving pick ups while carressing the occasional shotgun in a misty-eyed fashion. Given that some 300,000 copies of Ms Palin’s books have already been purchased – with another 2.5 million on the way from the printers – surely the capacity is there for the sale of paperweights and door stoppers to plummet to record lows any day now. Presumably Ms Palin is now another steely-eyed Fox reporter / editorialist who will preach a mantra of ‘fair and balanced’ as passionately as if she really means it. Meanwhile, once he gets back from Boston, Mr Obama will no doubt resume battling Congress to push through an agenda of social reform. And he’d better hope that the Dems come home for the late Mr Kennedy, because if the GoP gets up, that’ll be one less vote coming Mr Obama’s way in the Senate once the negotiations start up in earnest again.
Saturday 16 January 2010
ITEM Financial crisis? What financial crisis? That’s the word from the Australian banking sector where soaring profits and ever increasing interest rates mean that it’s become even easier for them to reach into your account and take a percentage in the name of offering their CEO’s ridiculously high bonuses for merely doing their jobs. The Harold doesn’t want to be overly critical about this, but if there’s a CEO job going, wanna let us have a crack? (Who remembers having a crack?) We’re pretty sure we’ve got the formula down pat. If official interest rates go up, put the bank’s interest rate up at the same time, and slightly more if you want to make more money. Don’t invest in anything too dodgy, but if you do, ask those nice people in the government to fix it up later. Try to prevent the younger fellows from having completely unsupervised access to the bank’s investment portfolio, even if they say they know about computers. Smile a lot, even when you’re sacking your staff and closing branches, and remember to keep saying: ‘It’s to improve services.’ If you’re going to invest really substantial sums of money, remember that as a general rule of thumb, the safer the investment, the lower the return – so try and avoid these. There’s also a corollary, however, which is the higher the return, the greater the potential for it to all go arse up. Best play the odds then and put your money in the middle to upper middle ground. Speaking of playing the odds, if you can dream up some incomprehensible financial instrument whereby you can pass on any loss making activities to another financial institution or local council or even a charity, quickly call it something cool like Collateralised Debt Obligation and get selling. Now, where do I sign for my parking space and how long till my bonus arrives?
ITEM The bank CEOs will no doubt be queuing up to hand money over to the noble motorway builders of Sydney, who are planning a monster knock-down sale of plans for certain sections of road they want to build which will link to many of the other sections of road they’ve already built. Hurry hurry hurry, it’s all gotta go, it’s all gotta go, they’re spruiking, knowing that if they don’t get the asphalt laid soon, somebody might come along with a train system that is actually reliable, and people will realise that all that time sitting in the car listening to 2Day-FM could be better spent sitting in the train with a laptop and the new series of Entourage and getting home in time for a quick glimpse of the kids. In an expensive game called ‘Hide the Bottleneck’, motor planners, government ministers, and shady characters including bank CEOs are even as we speak cracking open a few bottles of the old Dom Perignon and a minivan full of lobsters supplied by somebody's cousin as they argue over the positioning of the exit ramps and toll booths, and which residential areas to dissect. Those pesky naysayers in various institutes dedicated to things like sustainability have pointed out that, ‘The highway begat the freeway, the freeway begat the motorway, the motorway begat the tollway, and lo the Lord looked down upon the gridlock that plagued the city, and shook His head a bit and wondered if they would ever learn, and could someone please shut the Window, it’s getting all smoggy up Here.’ Meanwhile, a chap who knows even more than God, the NSW Lack of Transport Minister, said that the plethora of new roads will last the good burghers of Sydney until eternity, or twenty-five years, whichever comes sooner.
ITEM Tony Tony Tony. Haven’t we taught you anything? You’re talking with your mouth open again. Do you need to spend some time in the naughty chair? Never mistake thinking aloud for policy which has been properly developed and focus group tested. What’s this bit here? You’d pay some of your ‘green army’ recruits, presumably the privates, $12,000 a year. They could get that sitting at home on the dole and playing computer games! Ah, you want them to be prepared for a career in the environment. As opposed to one in mining for example, where they get to rape the environment for ten times the amount, and then head to the pub of a Friday night and boast about it. Now I see where you’re heading with this. Green = poor. Industry = rich. While some green army workers would earn up to $50,000, presumably these would only be the captains, colonels and fifth columnists secretly getting kickbacks from various agro-businesses and multi-national conglomerates wanting to keep an eye on the whole thing in case people start getting a taste for it. Keep talking, Mr Abbott. We're listening...
ITEM Washington has become embroiled in the discussion over certain allegations regarding cyber-hacking and a giant economy we like to call China. This correspondent, constantly deluged as he is by various grammatically-challenged folk west of Beijing offering to be my girlfriend, boyfriend, investment partner or claimer of prizes from lotteries I'm pretty sure I haven't entered, admits that these people probably aren’t the ones masterminding the whole sneaking around inside other people’s laptops thing, but you have to admit, someone’s doing it. The thing is, China, you're like the rich kid. Everyone wants to play with you. You don’t have to pull the wings off flies to impress us, because if you keep doing it our mums have said we’ll have to go to our rooms and not talk to you anymore. We want to come to your place and make you happy and play with your toys. If you aren’t mean our parents might even start to respect some of the cool stuff you do, and not just your proficiency with MSG. Mum! China just hit me again...
ITEM Also in Washington, US President Mr B. Obama continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Friday 15 January 2010
ITEM Mr T. Abbott of the Queen’s Royal Federal Opposition has proposed the formation of his second army group since taking up the reins late last year. Although not much has apparently happened with ‘Abbott’s army’ (see our story for 10 December 2009), his new ‘standing green army’ may soon have its first mission: invading the heartlands of the Murray-Darling basin and clearing it of noxious weeds, non-Indigenous fish species and rogue farmers who still think there might be enough water in it to irrigate with. Part of the problem with the river is apparently that it doesn’t recognise state borders – and possibly neither would Mr Abbott’s new force. Yes folks, 15,000 loyal Sadly Moaning Harold readers could sign up and be on their way to the likes of outback Queensland, NSW, Victoria or South Australia any day now if Tony has his way. While you may miss your families more often than the farmers running across the sights of your personally-issued and autographed by Tony Steyr AUG STG-77 assault rifles, you will be paid for your work, as there is a proposed $750 million budget for the scheme, although some of that will probably be spent on bulldozers, bags of grass seed and a breeding scheme or two. ‘The political left shouldn’t be seen as owning the environment,’ Mr Abbott claimed, although someone might want to point out to him that in many people’s eyes the problem is that the right owns the environment, the left just wants to save it, or in extreme cases, hand it over to public ownership. The government said it was great to see Mr Abbott was into recycling, even if it was only former prime minister John ‘Can’t see the trees for the wood’ Howard’s previous suggestions for a Green Corps, which may or may not have morphed into Mr Rudd’s own Green Jobs Corps. Meanwhile, as the various armies and corps no doubt do ferocious battle in the imagination of many a federally elected representative – I, for one, expect Mr Abbott is right now fantasising about a Charge of the Right Brigade while slumbering on the banana lounge in the back of his office – the issue of global warming was again put on the back burner, where it ironically caught fire and released yet more carbon into the atmosphere. Sorry, kids, but it was quite a nice planet at one stage...
ITEM In other environment related news, a group that includes both conservationists and farmers has suggested some more dollars might need to be spent on preserving and protecting native wildlife and eco-systems, as possibly the farmers were running out of things to shoot, displace, plough over and hit with their bullbars while coming home late at night from country pub Bacchanalic festivities. Apparently the current rate of spending on preserving biodiversity is only about a billion dollars annually (see, billions, Tony, none of these pesky small-change millions like you propose to spend chasing the green vote...) but the groups want the pot raised to 3 billion, which still apparently doesn’t quite compare with the 5 billion given to various folk in the Australian mining and transport industries each year on fuel tax credits. Someone speaking for Ms P. Wong, the relevant minister for this issue (anyone else wondering at this point just what Mr Garrett actually does as environment minister?) said that the government’s biodiversity strategy would be announced sometime down the track, maybe even early this year, and hopefully there would still be one or two native species left by the time they got through with the paperwork.
ITEM You might want to spare a thought for the folk of Haiti after the recent earthquake.
ITEM In fantastic news for Americans, it seems as if they may possibly have reached a ‘fat set point’ where they’re not going to get any bigger. Which is kinda good considering that apparently 68% of them are already either obese, or on their way to being obese. As the cumulative weight of US citizens over the years has continued trending upwards, the presumption was that people would continue to grow fatter. Now, however, it appears that the indentations in their Barker recliner loungers will stay at their current depth, although a few boffins are scratching their heads and wondering why. The Harold, feeling in a slightly more cynical than usual mood today, suggests that they might want to look at the unemployment figures. While the link between poverty and obesity is an already familiar one – you know, Coke is cheaper than bottled water, McCrap is cheaper than fresh vegetables – there still has to be a point at which people can no longer afford as many fries or giant buckets of KFC as they would like. When this factor is combined with an increasing national drug problem, particularly with many consumers choosing as their relaxant of choice an appetite suppressor like meth, the total weight of mom, pop and the kids surely has to reach a plateau. What do you reckon?
ITEM Meanwhile, one man who is benefitting dietarily-speaking from the fresh vegetables his wife grows in their garden, US President Mr B. Obama, continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Thursday 14 January 2010
ITEM The new contenders for the Australian lightweight wrestling tag team championship, Tony ‘Crush, Kill, Destroy’ Abbott and Barnaby ‘Mr Gumby’ Joyce got into their Speedos and entered the ring yesterday for a quick demonstration match of Opposition solidarity. Unfortunately someone had forgotten to explain to them that they were meant to be fighting China’s economy in terms of its plans to buy Australian sugar refining company CSR, and instead they started sparring with each other, as so often seems to be the case these days. When China got bored and left the ring, some people from the Changes to the Private Health Insurance Rebate For Rich Folk Department took its place, however they, too quickly realised that there wouldn't be much for them to do either, so they went and had a quiet drink together and let Mr Abbott and Mr Joyce get on with it, which given the imagery of gyms and Speedos, could have a modicum of sexual innuendo about it, but please, do we really want to start going there? Meanwhile, the federal Treasurer Mr Swan has accused Mr Abbott and Mr Joyce of making up economic policy as they go along, which he seemed quite upset about, as making up economic policy as he goes along is his job.
ITEM From the ‘Be careful what you wish for’ department comes news that a number of gay couples who have at last been formally recognised as having actual relationships rather than just being really really close flatmates who share holidays, bank accounts and the ornate king-size in the bedroom, are fearful that Centrelink will now take away some of their pension money. It seems that Centrelink’s payments for couples are less than they are for two individuals under the same roof, however the organisation may offer them some initial leniency in the matter, what with the many many years of discrimination that the couples have had to endure in the past, but still if they don’t declare their status now then things might go badly for them in the future. Possibly the answer is to raise pensions and the dole for all couples to an amount that people can actually live on rather than the several fathoms sub-poverty level where it currently sits.
ITEM The former hunger-striker Mr P. Spencer of a certain tree / wind tower / metal tripod somewhere near Cooma has descended his eyrie after 52 days surviving on vitamins, water, lemon juice and painkillers – although the latter were purely for medicinal purposes. After being told by a doctor at 4pm the day before yesterday that he should probably come down before he suffered ‘permanent damage’, Mr Spencer apparently then had to wait overnight to gain the strength to make the descent, although sceptics might wonder if he was hopeful that a few folk from the media might drop by if he gave them enough notice. Although his fight to clear fell his land now appears moribund, he has been offered a meeting with the federal parliamentary secretary for water, which no doubt will have both of them dancing in the aisles at the next meeting of the Peter Spencer support group.
ITEM Foreign Minister Stephen ‘Keep dancing, Maria’ Smith has claimed that diplomatic action to resolve the situation with the Japanese whalers and the continued efforts of folk who are trying to thwart them ‘have not exhausted themselves.’ After his all his hard work putting on the blinkers to the situation regarding assaults against Indian nationals in Australia it’s fantastic to see that the same tactic can be used by Mr Smith so successfully with the Japanese government. As part of the blinkers policy, although something of a blow to a little historical relic we like to call ‘freedom of speech’, the government is also apparently refusing media access to its special envoy on whale conservation, Mr S. Holloway, who you may remember from other such government appointed positions as CEO of the Sydney Olympics and the Chairman of the Taskforce to get Canberra back on its feet after the fires of ’03.
ITEM In the US a group quaintly calling itself the Friends of the People’s Mujahideen Organisation of Iran, as well as the National Liberation Army of Iran and the Organisation of the People's Holy Warriors, is suing the US government for all that talk about them being terrorists, as really, they tried that but then decided to give it a miss, thanks, so stop saying mean things. Lawyers for the organisation claim they have given up the old ultraviolence, my droogies, and isn’t it a bit unfair that they’re not allowed to see the classified documents that the US government is relying upon to defend its case. The Harold will allow that in some cases one person’s terrorist is seen as another person’s freedom fighter, but also understands that a fair and impartial legal hearing is something that many people don’t have access to, especially in areas where there are idiots who think that lobbing bombs in the direction of marketplaces is the way to get things done, and really, isn’t that potentially everywhere these days? We support the Friends of the People’s Mujahideen Organisation of Iran for renouncing violence, but we also understand that folk in the US might have a right to be a bit suspicious, especially with all that talk about armies and warriors.
ITEM Also in the US, Mr Obama continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Wednesday 13 January 2010
ITEM In what appears to be yet another attempt to become more like the West, China has announced plans to purchase Australia’s largest sugar manufacturer, CSR. Obviously not content with the detrimental effects of modernisation on its industrial sector environmentally speaking, the huge amounts of pollution and accident deaths from its increasing use of motor vehicles and alarmingly high lung cancer rates in its smokers, China is now apparently attempting to lead the world in diabetes statistics as well. The problem, as has been noted previously in the Harold, is simply that China is overpopulated – with foreign reserves, silly. It needs to spend some of its $2 trillion in government held savings, preferably in an investment situation, rather than have it sitting there in the bank just earning low amounts of interest. Of course, there is the possibility that some of it could be spent in ameliorating some of the problems caused by the aforementioned industrial pollution, reliance on cars or health initiatives, I suppose, but where’s the fun and potential for world economic domination in that?
ITEM The forthcoming trial of Australian drug mule Scott Rush continued to generate comment yesterday after an alleged remark to reporters from fellow Bali jail inmate Renae Lawrence, who had apparently previously indicated that she might go into bat for Mr Rush in a bid to save him from the death penalty – but she has possibly revised her position. It seems that Ms Lawrence might have made more than one run to Bali with the heroin body suit, while Mr Rush was, it appears, a virgin in this department. Lawyers are hoping the discrepancies in their sentences will result in Mr Rush’s death penalty being downgraded. Ms Lawrence has possibly had a word to someone who may have said that admitting to such an action on her part might result in her own penalty being upgraded. Who knows for sure, but when she commented in relation to her decision not to appear in court by saying, ‘I’m not stupid,’ many people back home started shaking their heads and going 'tut tut', presumably thinking this was a bit of an inaccurate thing to say for someone who has been caught bringing drugs into Indonesia.
ITEM In news from the world of science, archaeologists have apparently been doing more digging amid the remains of some Neanderthals. Amongst the skulls and mammoth soup recipes was stuff that indicated the Neanderthals might not have been so adverse to the use of eye makeup, and maybe some lip gloss and rouge if the occasion demanded it. Discoveries of an oyster shell which contained residues of a pigment containing lepidocrocite, haematite, pyrite and charcoal suggests not only that it could have been used by Neanderthals as a powder to adorn their bodies, but also that they had halfway decent scientists what with their familiarity with all the chemicals and that. The Harold suggests that speculation on Neanderthal social habits is pointless, as the easiest thing to do is just ask. I was passed by a couple of them on motorbikes only yesterday, or there’s that woman in Federal parliament, or you could head over to the NRL...
ITEM From the ‘Keep smiling and hope nobody notices anything is wrong’ department comes word that Foreign Minister Stephen Smith has declared Australia has ‘excellent’ relations with India, despite the continual tragic stabbings, muggings and assorted assaults which seem to happen to Indian folk, mainly in Melbourne it has to be said. Meanwhile Indian enrolments to Australian learning institutions have apparently dropped nearly 50%, and Mr Smith’s counterpart in India, External Affairs Minister Mr S. Krishna has warned that failing to address the stabbings, muggings etc will ‘seriously damage ties’ between the great southern land and the great southern sub-continent. Possibly the answer, Mr Smith, is not just to do something, but to be seen to be doing something as well. Safer streets, in Melbourne or anywhere, will undeniably benefit all of us, so let’s see some movement in this area, please.
ITEM The last survivor of the group of people who sheltered Anne Frank and her family in a Dutch attic for the best part of two years has died. Ms M. Gies kept Ms Frank’s diaries until after the war, hoping to return them to the girl who had so poignantly penned them. Hiding the Franks meant Ms Gies herself faced the possibility of deportation to a concentration camp. Before she died (at 100) she apparently said, ‘I am not a hero,’ but we here at the Harold beg to differ, Ms Gies.
ITEM The US Federal deficit has reached a level apparently not seen since WW2, coming close to 100% of US GDP. Wow. For those readers uneducated in a financial way, this is roughly the equivalent of a convoy of trucks like that one full of money advertising a certain lotto game driving past your house every five minutes for the next decade, and many of them heading towards China in case you were wondering. (See the first story in this edition above.) But who is concerned with records when you can trot out figures like $5 trillion. Incidentally this figure – and its growth by something like $500 billion annually – is something Mr Abbott might want to keep in mind the next time he starts going off about the current Australian government debt of a few hundred billion here or there. (Who remembers when things were in millions?) The US has apparently always been run at a deficit, except for the winter of 1835, but we don't talk about that. Meanwhile, in a bid to get back some of the dollars he gave to the banks last year now that they're making a profit again, Mr Obama has suggested he might tax them a bit more, and the bankers have really quickly gone, like, no way, in a manner that would have made Russian clinical conditioning expert Mr I. Pavlov rather proud. Meanwhile, Mr Obama also continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Tuesday 12 January 2010
ITEM Reading between the lines today, there appears to be a journalistic cone of silence, or perhaps just an absence of suitably objective eye witnesses, over certain activities in the Southern Ocean, where it must be presumed that Japanese ‘scientists’ are continuing their 'research' in a number of key areas: measuring the range and accuracy of some recent technological developments in the aeronautics of explosive-headed harpoons, determining the pain threshold of several species of whale, and exploring the ‘Garrett barrier’, the point in which an Australian government environment minister actually reacts in an appropriate manner to something he once claimed to abhor. Presumably the ships are all down there still, sailing around, and possibly into each other, sonic blasters at the ready and water cannon locked and loaded, while thrashing in the water nearby another blood-stained cetacean is hauled in agony onto the stern of the factory ship for a spot of the old forensic flensing.
ITEM From the commonsense bureau comes news that the federal Health Department is moving towards banning smoking by its employees during their working day. Staff in the thrall of mother nicotine will only be allowed to light up in their lunch breaks, and at least 15 metres from their building, provided they can make it that far, of course. Some have criticised this as heavy-handed, saying it might be tad difficult for the poor smokers to get through their day without a fag or two, although the Department has kindly pointed out that they have no problem with the smokers lighting up at any time outside of their regular working hours. Rather than being so draconian on smokers, perhaps the answer is to offer every employee 15 minutes off every hour, where they can go for a wander downstairs before heading outside to talk to a bunch of people under the awning of the building next door. Another solution is a pamphlet suggesting that non-smoking staff members remember, as they watch the person in the cubicle next to them twitching and shaking and chewing all manner of nicotine replacement patches to get through to five thirty, that every cigarette they fail to light up is one less burden on the tax non-smokers will have to pay in the future for their medical care.
ITEM Those nice chaps in the Australian Federal Police are struggling to work out what to do with the ‘Please Explain’ card they’ve been handed in regard to a young fellow named Scott Rush. Apparently back in '05 the Feds broke a little promise they’d made to Mr Rush’s father and instead let his son travel to Bali straight into the arms of Indonesian police who they’d been sharing intelligence with. While not condoning the fact that Mr Rush had allegedly hopped on the plane not for a fun-filled week on Kuta Beach but so he could assist in the delivery of 3.4 kilos of certain addictive and illegal substances of the opioid kind, the thing is, the Feds kinda sorta knew that there was a strong chance that Mr Rush would face the death penalty for his actions, and here in Australia, most of us don’t really support the death penalty, even for Ivan Milat.
ITEM In a clarification from our already been clarified department comes word that Mr Spencer of parts aloft is not holding a hunger strike in either a tree or a wind tower as has previously been indicated (see our reports for 05 and 09 January). Finally a photograph has emerged, and it shows a large metal tripod with a platform attached to it by what looks to be several tonnes of chain. It also seems to offer a nice view of the scrub, which it wouldn’t if Mr Spencer is allowed to come down and have his way and bulldoze the bloody lot of it. Astute readers of the Harold will recall our earlier remarks re the fact that the average human can go for up to six weeks before the old hunger becomes a bit of a problem physiologically speaking. Bobby Sands went for 66 before dying – and managed to get elected to the UK parliament along the way without handing out a single how to vote incidentally – and Mr Spencer is now apparently at day 50. He is allowing himself the odd vitamin, sip of lemon juice and some water, but it has to be said, to this writer’s eyes, he doesn’t look quite as emaciated as I would have expected after all this time. Of course, my entire expertise in this area has come from watching a couple of episodes of The Biggest Loser, so I could be mistaken... Just saying, is all.
ITEM From the nothing better to do with a paragraph department comes news that Ms M. Park has sewn up Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting’s hat. Really? We needed to know that? Or that it will be flown to Melbourne today ‘in a specially designed protective case’ (we used to call them ‘boxes’). It’s all a bit Zen, isn’t it: if a hat is stitched up and no-one has photographed it, will it really have been repaired? It might be time for a bit of a lie down now.
ITEM Meanwhile in Washington, Mr Obama continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Monday 11 January 2010
ITEM One of the big news items from the weekend papers was that the Australian manufacturing industry is in a smidgin of trouble, particulary in the automotive department, with something like 100,000 fewer vehicles being made in the last year than the one previously. In case you were wondering how this fits in with the situation from a historical perspective, it basically means that we’re churning out as many now as we did back in the day, and in this case the day in question is located way back in 1957, quite a long time ago actually, if you recall. (Note: if you can’t remember 1957 come around to the office later and I’ll tell you more about it and also what I mean by the mythical term, ‘Australian manufacturing industry’.) And just in case you thought that this situation with the fewer vehicles isn’t really your concern since you’re taking the bike to work these days, you might want to remember that the car making industry is heavily subsidised by those few of us who are actually paying taxes at the moment – to the tune of more than 6 billion under the current Government plan / handout.
ITEM The scary phrase ‘we need to get the balance right’ has been trotted out in the weekend papers, this time in relation to a certain situation whereby artists can be told that their work has sailed too close to the wind in the way that it depicts certain young folk of the naked or slightly dressed kind of way. Those in authority in NSW have decided to remove the so-called ‘artistic merit’ clause from the list of excuses / reasons why such work is created when they look at what sort of rating, advisory warning or prison sentence should be handed down. Supporters of artists are naturally saying that the new regulations have gone too far while supporters of children’s rights are naturally saying that the new regulations haven’t gone nearly far enough. Someone said that the problem is ‘getting sensible policy in this area, which is compounded by people becoming emotional to the point of being irrational’ but I didn’t quite catch which side of the debate they were on.
ITEM From the major stuff up department comes word that the CIA had been working for a year with the bloke who went on to blow up their Afghanistani forward base killing a bunch of operatives. Unfortunately he was really working for al-Qaeda, which came as a bit of a surprise to the CIA and the relatives of those who were killed. In video footage released after the event, Dr al-Balawi boasted about his plan to engage the trust of people so that he could later kill them, which is a pretty poor way of going about things when you think about it. In a tragic reminder that it is not only the families of the eight CIA personnel who are now suffering, Dr al-Balawi’s father is also distraught at the news of his boy’s actions – and by the actions of those who led him to commit murder in the name of God. ‘My heart is tearing apart,’ he apparently said, adding, ‘Who is that one who destroyed the one that I brought up?’
ITEM In news from the things not to do at an airport bureau comes a report that yet another chap has had a few drinks and then thought it’d be a bit of a laff to suggest that there’s a bomb on board the flight. Making inferences about a potential terrorist situation at an airport is about as futile and joyless as attempting to crack jokes with supermarket checkout chicks: they will never get it, not matter how many times you repeat it or try to explain that it’s a joke. Which is a situation now familiar to Mr R. Fowles, 58, who would like to be getting to Dubai, only they won’t let him on the plane after the remarks were made, and gee those guys with the uniforms and guns arrived like really really quickly after the hostess pressed the little button to indicate that there was a situation. I have to admit that they were pretty impressive, but can I go now?
ITEM From an office which has a big sign on the door saying ‘Ewwwwwwwwwwww’ comes news that Roxxxy the robot sex doll is about to arrive in the bedroom of a single man living close to you any day now. She – and by ‘she’ I mean ‘it’ – is apparently a life size, lingerie clad plastic pornstar who will happily sit there quietly filling a C-cup while you fiddle with the remote and go back to the manual a couple of times trying to work out where exactly to put the batteries and how to program her with one of the five personalities she will provide you with. But that’s not all she can provide, if you know what I mean, eh eh. Another worrying aspect of Roxxxy – as if there weren’t enough already – is that apparently she has ‘flesh-like synthetic skin.’ As soon as you hear that you know it can’t be good. According to Mr D. Hines who developed the robot, he initially started on the project because he wanted to ‘store the personality’ of a friend who passed away in the 9/11 Twin Towers attacks. Way to go in terms of a fitting memorial, Mr Hines...
ITEM Meanwhile in Washington, Mr Obama continues to battle Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Saturday 09 January 2010
ITEM Federal Environment Minister Peter ‘It Belongs to Them, Let’s Give it Back’ Garrett has suggested it will probably be all right for tourists to continue trampling over the well-known tourist icon and Aboriginal sacred site Ulura née Ayers Rock. Up to 100,000 people a year are still politely refusing the invitation of the locals to perhaps not go over the rock, but walk to around it, have a look, and don’t forget to pop in at the shop on your way out. Apparently there’s a bunch of new ‘experiences’ being built, and although arguably none will be quite as imposing as a 350-metre high sandstone and granite monolith, it is planned that they will distract the tourists long enough for them to spend all their money and decide it’s time to travel somewhere with more trees where they can manhandle the koalas. With a majority of Aboriginal people who live in the vicinity of Uluru allegedly favouring the idea of a few less Nike’s gracing the surface of something that’s quite spiritually important to them, perhaps now is the time to begin the climbing tours of the exterior of St Marys Cathedral as a contra deal, as I’ve heard that the view from up there is not bad, and we already do it for the Harbour Bridge and it makes a motza. This correspondent recalls that the Anangu word for people climbing the rock is minga, meaning little ant, something you might want to remember if you’re contemplating heading up that way.
ITEM In news likely to cause heart palpitations amongst certain players of a sport known as footy – and admittedly just about every other profession unfortunately, including a doctor in this case – a Sydney court has awarded 200 grand to a woman who suffered as a result of a series of domestic violence incidents. Apparently it is ‘very unusual’ for those who have had DV perpetrated against them to continue with the matter in court, possibly because of the continual rocking and crying and poverty they are dealing with, but it appears that it is possible to still have a win in civil court if you miss out elsewhere, as in this case where the allegations were previously proven in criminal court but no conviction was recorded.
ITEM From the Harold’s clarification department comes word that the farmer on the hunger strike near Cooma, (see our report for 05 January) who seems intent on doing to himself what he’d like to do to his local environment, is not sitting in a tree as earlier suggested by a Mr B. Heffernan of places where large hats are worn. Mr Spencer is instead apparently sitting in a wind tower, which still has a nice hint of irony about it. In further news from this intriguing situation, a Mr B. Joyce of an address that has wheat growing on it has suggested he would ‘stand on his head’ if it brought Mr Spencer down, but he still supported his cause, although admittedly there are allegations that Mr Spencer might be in a few difficulties of the financial kind. Come on, Barnaby, show him you mean it. Get inverted for the cause. Please?
ITEM A further clarification also needs to be made today after official sources representing the world’s largest phallic symbol (see our report for 04 January) revealed both its new name and actual height. The Naming Rights Burj is apparently 828-metres high, and not 818 as previously estimated. It’s so hard to get good help. Sigh.
ITEM From Washington comes reports that Mr B. Obama has got stuck in on his first day back at work. Apparently his 12-minute home from the holidays speech used the word ‘immediate’ no less than six times, suggesting that the government really needs to do something really really soon and we really mean it, you know. He conceded that sometimes mistakes had recently been made, and it was unfortunate that these included the misspelling of the Christmas Eve ‘panty bomber’ Mr U. Abdulmutallab’s name by folk in the visa department and the lack of communication from the ‘Maybe We Should Take This A Bit More Seriously’ Department of the CIA. Mr Obama has pointed out that the whole thing is a bit tricky because if they do too much in the way of security they will lose some of the old freedom, and does anyone remember that, we put it in the Constitution and we’d like to keep a bit of it if you don’t mind, and not just that fragment that’s left in the backwoods of Montana where our loyal Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms officers keep disappearing whenever we send them in for a look see. After a long sigh and wistful glance towards the Sandwich Isles, Mr Obama then turned in the direction of his office and trudged back inside to continue his ongoing battle with Congress to push through an agenda of social reform, apparently calling out loudly for Josh Lynam as he walked...
Friday 08 January 2010
ITEM A Japanese Government official who may or may not have a sense of humour has had a word to certain people in New Zealand about those pesky anti-whalers whose boats are registered in the Land of the Long White Cloud, complaining about them ‘in a stern manner.’ Expect a flood of similar nautically-themed puns any day now... When asked about the issue, someone from the Australian government said, ‘Huh, I wasn’t sleeping, I was concentrating really hard on something, come on, it’s January and the air conditioning isn’t working properly and the cricket's on and we had a few people over last night. I’ll get back to you after I do some reading on the subject, which I’ll be concentrating really hard on, and could you shut the blinds and close the door on your way out, if you don’t mind.’
ITEM 10,000 people with nothing better to do with their time have arrived in a western NSW town to celebrate the birthday of long-dead rocker Mr E. Presley formerly of Graceland and parts thereabouts, most notably the kitchen and pharmacy. While not actually suggesting that now would be a good time to shut the gates and leave all the Elvis fans in Parkes, perhaps now would be a good time to shut the gates and leave all the Elvis fans in Parkes. (Why Parkes? Is there some kind of hitherto unknown spiritual link between Parkes and Presley? Do they use the big telescope to try and talk to him, perhaps?) Meanwhile, on the streets of the town and in its no doubt vast cornucopia of performance venues, 40 professional impersonators – aka ‘tribute artists’ – are demonstrating that they really, really have nothing better to do with their time.
ITEM Due to the warmth and the recent unseasonable rains in various parts of NSW, there is a chance that you’ll be bitten by a funnel web spider or giant virus-carrying mosquito any day now – supposing you survive the bonhomie in Parkes that is – and there are rumours that the snakes are also massing, possibly slithering towards a garden area near you. Sydney-siders who have recently built a new home or had one renovated are, however, safe from any threat, as the chances are that their backyards won't be large enough for any animals to live in.
ITEM American fugitive from justice Roman Polanski is attempting to resolve the long running case against him for his role in directing Eyes Wide Shut. Claiming that Tom Cruise and our Nicole came to him with the idea and they led him on, he can’t understand what all the fuss is about and don’t you know that everyone was doing it back then, and can we please just move on from it now? In a similar fashion, Mr Polanski is also trying to work out what to do since the Feds moved into his place in Switzerland because of the matter of that unresolved statutory rape case he pleaded guilty to some thirty years or so ago before buying the one way to Paris, next available, please. Roman has now asked to be sentenced in absentia, presumably on the grounds that if the judge decides his punishment should be something light, then he’ll do the time, but if it turns out to be something heavy then Roman will be finishing the secret tunnel he’s started behind the poster of Rita Hayworth on the wall of his bedroom and take it on the lam. The US judge in the case has pointed out that another way for it to be resolved is for Roman to front up in court and take it like a man.
ITEM Someone has noticed that Sydney house prices have resumed their steady spiral upwards to somewhere quite close to the proximity of the stratosphere, and has also pointed out that it now takes the best part of an average year’s salary to come up with the deposit to buy one. While there are a host of government backed initiatives in place to help the kids get set up before the baby is born, the sad truth is that there really just aren’t enough houses to go around. In fact, it has been predicted that within four years we’ll be short about 200,000 of ‘em, which is going to make it a bit difficult for quite a few of the folk. It is now expected that many will blow their entire handout on the removalists they'll hire to drive continually around the unbuilt houses scattered within the invisible cul de sacs of the yet to be developed beachside suburb of Vanishing Point.
ITEM In the US, President Barack Obama battles Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Thursday 07 January 2010
ITEM From the push comes to shove department news has arrived of a bingle in the Southern Ocean, and not the ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ kind of bingle but more a ‘What the bloody hell are you doing to those whales, you do realise that if you keep sailing in this direction you’re going to run over the front of my ship’ kind of one. At this point the story becomes a little confused, with the anti-whalers suggesting they were still in the water having a few quiet drinks and getting some navigational advice before heading off for the nearest petrol bowser – ‘next continent on the left, straight on till morning and can you pick me up some milk, please?’ – when the Shonan Maru 2, a vessel slightly out of the SS Ady Gil’s weight class being apparently some 982 tonnes heavier, came bearing down on them at high speed, tearing their bow off. Meanwhile the Japanese have then said, hang on a minute, we’re having none of that, you guys sailed into our ship, and held up a video tape, and the anti-whalers went like, sure we did, yeah right, and the Japanese said sure as your mother and all in all it was pretty lucky there wasn’t an outbreak of major seagoing biffo. Meanwhile, in signs there’s been a bit of nudging and the odd whisper of ‘who is going to do this?’, someone from the Australian government has finally stepped forward to make a comment, and oh look who it is, it’s that nice Ms Gillard wondering why we can’t all be friends. Mr Garrett has then mumbled something about having sand in his Speedos and Ms J Bishop of a little suburb known to many folk as The Opposition had an each way bet and blamed the Government for damaging its relations with Japan and not stopping the whaling. Go, Julie, go!
ITEM In news from the nation’s highways, certain people have noticed that as they were cruising back from the coast with the family that the bloody truck behind them was awfully close and why did it keep flashing its lights and attempt to overtake every time there was a straight bit of road? Some of the folk, who may be affiliated with the Australasian (now that’s a nice quaint term) Railway (ooh, another one!) Association, have suggested it might be an idea to lay a bit more track and get the nation’s train system up to scratch, something fitting for the twenty-first century, or even better, as good as it used to be back in the 1850s. After a few afternoons spent on research a report has emerged which apparently says that the unrecovered costs of road transport (ie the ones that we pay as tax payers and which don’t get added to the bill when the truck arrives in the depot) are as much as $3 billion a year in NSW alone, actually nearly enough to build a track from Melbourne to Brisbane, and wouldn’t that be a good idea, a vast ribbon of shining steel, an inland railway at last and a solid revival of bindlestiff culture to go along with it. While it has been noted that one train could carry as much fuel as 150 road-based tankers, some doubting Thomases have pointed out that there is the undeniable chance that the fuel will arrive late and out of timetable order...
ITEM The grocery giant Woolworths is considering purchasing one of the nation’s largest alcopop manufacturers, apparently on the grounds that after a bit of a spending spree lately by itself and rival Coles that ‘there’s nothing much else left to buy.’
ITEM Back in Washington after a bit of down time with the First Family, a certain US President Mr B. Obama has revealed he is less than impressed with elements of the American security bureaucracy and would it kill them to talk to each other a bit more, because it may yet kill Americans, and possibly some foreign nationals as well, if we don’t get this airport thing right. A few orders were also issued in the big room downstairs meaning that some gentlemen in Yemen with hostile intent had better start glancing over their shoulders from about now and be on the lookout for large detachments of military personnel heading in their general direction, or possibly the occasional airborne drone and accompanying optional extra explosive device. Mr Obama then got in the lift and returned to the Oval Office to begin the next round of meetings as he prepares to again battle Congress to bring about some kind of social reform, but it’s starting to feel like it may not be as much as was initially promised, you have to say.
Wednesday 06 January 2010
ITEM 250,000 rural homes threatened by lack of access to digital television broadcasts are heaving a collective sigh of disappointment with news that the government is likely to fund antennae so they, too, can receive the ‘new’ digital channels. Householders are expecting the bucolic quiet of country life to be replaced by the sound of re-runs of Get Smart! and The Nanny any day now.
ITEM Just to show that there’s still someone in the Government not on holidays, Julia Gillard has apparently, with much gusto, sent out the first Government Press Release of the year prior to setting out on a little taxpayer funded jaunt she’s calling the Fair Work Week national tour, although some of it won’t be quite as exciting as usual, sorry, we have a few of the staff on leave at the moment, but I can show you the despatch area. Ms Gillard is apparently claiming that her new workplace laws will save the nation nearly 5 billion dollars over the next ten years, although there is the small issue of these figures being based on some potentially spurious statistics, but we won’t worry about that just now. Opposition Spokesperson on Nearly Everything At The Moment, Mr Abbott, claims that the new laws will lose approximately 3000 jobs, and not all of them will be Liberal Party Ministers at the next election the way things are going, however he went on to admit that the figures backing up his claims were still at the printers.
ITEM Domino’s Pizza has apparently surveyed 5000 people and found that nearly one in ten had nicked their workmate’s lunchtime sangas at some time. Why? Not the sandwich thieving, that I can kind of understand, we’ve all wanted to play a trick on Wazza at somestage, although I don’t for a minute condone it, but why is Domino’s running surveys on something like this? Why not on something useful, like how many people suffer obesity after eating too many pizzas?
ITEM From the head determinedly buried in the sand department comes news that global warming has apparently stopped a few years back, at least according to Mr T. Abbott of Sydney and Canberra who stepped outside recently, wet his finger and stuck it in the air. Many low lying nations put away the party gear, however, when further information based on something called science arrived from the pesky World Meteorological Organisation, which seemed to show that the mercury in many thermometers around the world was still travelling in the general direction of up. Federal Minister for the Environment (with limited watching brief on climate change) Peter ‘US Forces Give The Nod’ Garrett waffled on a bit in response to Mr Abbott, something about warming as predicted, mistakes and thought bubbles, but this correspondent happily admits that I lost concentration somewhere and didn’t really catch what he meant, and is anyone really listening to either gentleman right now?
ITEM Who knows what exactly is happening down there, but apparently it’s full fathoms five and batten down the hatches in the Southern Ocean right now where certain Japanese whalers are apparently carrying out a different kind of science, that of measuring the accuracy of their harpoons. 935 minkes and 50 fin whales are expecting to feel the sharpened steel flung from the explosive powered launchers of these brave crusaders aiming at the backs of their heads, or similar, in the name of research any day now. Hard on their heels are the determined crew of the SS Steve Irwin, who managed to thwart the deaths of some of the aquatic mammals last year. Hard on the heels of the Steve Irwin is apparently the SS Shonan Maru, which is telling the other whalers which areas to stay away from, which is apparently any bit of ocean near the SS Steve Irwin. Meanwhile, circling suspiciously overheard is Glenn Inwood from the public relations arm of the Japanese Institute of Oceanic Research and Sushi. Since New Year, however, no-one is exactly sure where the Steve Irwin is, the Japanese fleet is presumably launching harpoons freely hither and yon, the whales are dying in great agony and the Australian government is apparently asleep at the wheel – that’d be you, Mr Garrett, or the moribund robot that has replaced your former rock star presence, or was it all really just a sham to sell records?
ITEM Meanwhile in news alarmingly not reported in the Herald, it seems six people in Indonesia have been arrested for alleged sexy dancing and face a possible 15 years in jail. I say, 'Free the Sexy Dancing Six', partly because it rolls off the tongue so easily, and partly because I had hope that, even in Indonesia, we might be over arrests for that sort of thing by now.
Tuesday 05 January 2010
ITEM Apparently forgetting that there was a large election a couple of years back fought largely on the grounds that the government of the time had gone too far with its legislation regarding employment, current Opposition Leader Tony Abbott (does that last phrase still make you giggle a little bit?) has suggested that the repeal of Work Choices will be a ‘disaster for Small Business.’ Mr Abbott explained that under current legislation which came into effect on 01 January some small business owners would have to pay people a liveable wage and offer working conditions that included things like holiday and sick pay and lunch breaks, and 'what's this bit here about overtime?!'. Scott Driscoll of the Retailers Association went further than Mr Abbott and suggested the new laws would result in ‘mass carnage’ at a nearby corner store, deli or servo any day now. Of course some of Mr Driscoll and Mr Abbott’s message seemed to be somewhat contradicted by other news which suggested unemployment will again fall in the next month, with further reports suggesting there are ‘desperate’ Sydney employers ‘feeding a job advertising boom’ in the search for good staff. This doesn’t exactly sound like impending carnage to me, but then I’m not Tony Abbott, Opposition Leader (tee hee.)
ITEM Away from the Herald, media focus on the Jennifer Hawkins nude magazine cover continues with the revelation that if you look closely enough at a couple of the pictures you can clearly see that the poor wee lass is missing an arse.
ITEM From the ‘oh, here we go’ department comes news that a certain farmer is still on a hunger strike over legislation that won’t allow him to clear all the vegetation on his farm. Despite being offered two million of tax payers’ hard earned in compensation, Peter Spencer has resolutely refused to take the money and have a bit of a nice holiday in Noosa with the family and has instead vowed to fight for his principles, and by principles I mean the ‘right’ of farmers to get out the big bulldozer to ensure the biodiversity of various plant and animal species is no longer an issue in that particular area, now move on, please, there’s nothing left to see here. Various people commented on Mr Spencer’s predicament, including Opposition Finance Spokesperson Barnaby Joyce (insert more giggling here) who said of various attempts to stop global warming that, ‘The Australian people are starting to say we’ve had enough of being signed up to these agreements, where you get the kudos, or the happy clapping in Bali or some conference...’ Hmmm, indeed. ‘Happy clapping?’ Mr Joyce? Tell me more about your feelings about this. Does it make you angry? Oh, sorry, our session’s finished for today. A small crowd of 200 (for country folk, this number equates to 66 ute-loads of people assuming there’s safe seating for three in the front, of course you can fit in more in the back if it’s dark and you’re planning on having a few Bundies and doing some circle work later) who had gathered to support Mr Spencer got a bit Bolshie when told by Bill Heffernen of somewhere else with a rural name that perhaps it was time for Mr Spencer to come down and get a feed, preferably something with a lot of meat in in. After a response from the crowd Mr Heffernan added that he was used to being booed down. Good for you, Bill. Stick to your strengths, I say. A supporter of Mr Spencer pointed out that the land clearing legislation in question was ‘the most disgusting thing that has happened to a minority group in Australian culture.’ The Aboriginal folk surrounding their poisoned water supplies will no doubt be pleased to hear that, sir. Other people had their comments to make, including Federal Court judge Justice Arthur Emmett who suggested that Mr Spencer’s previous legal argument was both ‘embarrassing’ and ‘gobbledegook’. Now, I’ve just had a quick Google and it seems that the average person can last four to six weeks without food, as long as they have water. Mr Spencer’s hunger strike is currently at 43 days, suggesting - as Our Bill noted - that he needs to eat something pretty close to now if he’s not going to be permanently harmed. Through his hunger induced delirium he may also choose just this moment to realise that the really truly alarming aspect of this whole matter is that his chosen place of protest is apparently in a large... tree. Ye Gads.
ITEM Various naysayers and prognosticators of doom have started suggesting that the English language is on the wane, possibly about to be replaced by something that the kids will find easier to type into their phones with their thumbs. While it has been pointed out in the past that spelling some words in English can definitely be a bit of a hit and miss affair, others say that the language has always been a bit flexible, at least up until that annoying Mr Johnson came along and invented what appeared to be a useful sort of English dictionary on 15 April 1755. Now 250 years later, with the dual advent of text messaging and kids who can’t be bothered to learn how to spell properly, come complaints that the English she ain’t what she used to be. This correspondent suspects that the old girl might have a few miles left in her yet, despite some indentations to the tyres what with all the kicking they’ve been getting of late by a certain Chinese superpower looking for something for the wife to run around in. Meanwhile, in what is surely just a coincidence, another Herald article claims that the letter combination ough has ten different possible pronunciations: uff (tough), off (trough), ow (bough), or (thought), e (thorough), oo (through), o (though), och (lough), ock (hough) and up (hiccough.) Somewhere in Beijing a government employee transcribing this article into Mandarin for the good of the state has just had a heart attack...
ITEM In the US, President Barack Obama battles Congress to push through an agenda of social reform.
Monday 04 January 2010
ITEM Well, it appears that it’s a quiet news day for Australia, what with all the music festivals, scout jamborees, road accidents and flooding.
ITEM Meanwhile from overseas, where it’s getting back to business as usual after the Christmas long weekend, comes news that those whacky law makers in Maine have decided it might be worthwhile to put a warning notice or two on the sides of all mobile phones sold in the state. While many people assumed these would say things like, ‘Don’t text and drive, unless the recipient is like, really really hot,’ or ‘Pay attention to where you're going when talking on the phone and walking close to poles,’ instead the messages are more likely to read ‘Warning: mobile phones might be bad for your health, and not in a they’re really annoying when you talk on one and I’m waiting to begin an actual face-to-face conversation with you but as in a how have you been feeling lately and do you have a massive unexplained ongoing headache and accompanying dizzy spell?' kind of way. Folk around the world are allegedly feeling the head tumours starting to grow, especially when it was pointed out to them that other such trusty products as asbestos and tobacco initially also failed to come with appropriate labelling – and to that list could probably be added heroin, gunpowder, sugar and certain blankets distributed free to the natives. Here in Australia, where some 22 million phones compete for attention from 21 million inhabitants, it’s possible that we’re too busy batting away the squadrons of approaching melanomas to pay enough attention to phone labels.
ITEM The world’s largest phallic symbol is about to officially open in Dubai today, when the Burj, the tallest building on all the planets, swings its doors wide and gets it elevators – apparently the fastest on Earth – into top gear for the first time. At a rumoured 818-metres from entrance portal to the tip of the communication tower on the roof, the building features apartments, offices, recreational areas and counselling facilities for those who think it’s all a bit over the top, as much as we’re into medium- and high-density housing these days. Due to its highness, there is allegedly an 8 degree temperature differential between the hotness of the desert sand on which it is perched and the relative coolness of the aforementioned phone tower tip. Just quite how this affects the air-conditioning is a bit hard to say, but best keep the doors and windows shut if you don’t mind.
ITEM In more news on highness matters, well known UK tabloid identity the Prince of William has scoffed at succession rumours and claimed that he’s not interested in imprisoning his father in the tower and drawing and quartering him in order that he himself will become king quicker, although he is apparently considering doing it just so his dad stops asking him to dinners with Camilla because it would be great if we could all get along like other families. It seems that Wills has decided to leave the throne to his grandmother and father for the time being while he concentrates his efforts on his military career, his charity work and a bevy of starlets.
ITEM Grim statistics relating to car accidents on the sub-continent have emerged, where the growth in motor vehicle ownership – from 5 million in 1979 to 75 million today – has seen a corresponding increase in traffic jams, gridlock and road rage. In places where the traffic is able to move, a staggering 150,000 Indians a year are being mown down and killed, with a further 3 million being hospitalised. If there was ever a case for a warning label, plastering one across the ignition switch of the family Maruti 800 might be a good place to start. Apparently 1 – 3% of India’s GDP is lost due to car accidents, and sadly it is the poor folk who are walking or cycling on the sides of the road in search of affordable health care who are most often the victims. A recent WHO report has apparently shown that developing countries now own nearly half the world’s vehicles – but have 90% of road fatalities.
ITEM Somewhere in the world, a Mr B. Obama is still working on plans to battle Congress and push through an agenda of social reform.
Saturday 02 January 2010
ITEM Australia celebrated in the New Year with a fantastically diverse array of traditional methods: police shootings, stabbings, arrests, drownings, road rage incidents and a small street riot. A few people marginally less intent on beginning 10 quite so dramatically settled for getting shit-faced and watching the pretty lights in the sky before depositing 60 tonnes of garbage in and around Sydney and falling asleep on the beach. Various important people once again had their hearts warmed by the mere fact of longitudinal placement – ie because Sydney is ‘the first major city to celebrate the New Year’ – and that’s something that is unlikely to change, at least until the rise of New Zealand as a super-power. Are you kidding?
ITEM In further evidence of the bonhomie that infests this time of year, reports of an annual surge in domestic violence incidents suggests Sydney’s longitudinal placement isn’t all that’s fixed and immovable about 01 January. It seems that DV occurs on New Year’s Day at a rate two-and-a-half times that of other days of the year, and if you’re thinking of blaming the grog, apparently only half of these are alcohol related, so enough with the excuses already. While police, medical staff, family counsellors and presumably sundry support agency workers gear themselves up for the seasonal rush, it should be remembered that a staggering 57% of women will experience sexual or physical violence during their lifetimes. The sad fact is that in many of these cases the women will know, and have loved, the person who attacks them. (The article doesn’t give an equivalent figure for men, which would be interesting to know because, let’s face it, we should probably be cracking down on violence in general.) For those who like attaching numbers to tragedies like this, the fiscal cost to the nation is $13.6 billion according to the National Council to Reduce Violence Against Women and Children.
ITEM With the end of 2009, the big news concerning many people is apparently what to call the next few years, a problem that seems to come around every century or so. The names of the decades following 2019 are clear enough (twenties, thirties etc), as are the noughtie years we've just had. Specifically it's only the period until 2013 that we have to worry about, as after that we will inevitably enter the teens, Mayans willing, but what do we call the thirty-six months until then? Personally I'd like to go with the 'pre-war years.' It's a time held classic and it worked well enough last time, but no doubt nitpickers will point out the pesky issue of the wars that are already occuring: the one on terror and the other one on drugs, for example. (Possibly the answer is to combine them both into the war on terrible drugs. Everyone would support that and it would end really quickly...) In the meantime we face... what? The nameless years? The restless years? The Roman Spring of Mrs Stone? Only history will give us the answer.
ITEM Hard hitting unbiased columnist Miranda Devine has suggested that the James Cameron blockbuster Avatar might be full of ‘sanctimonious hippie sensibility’ that leaves its audience’s ears ringing with the sound of the ‘director’s (leftie) ideological hammer’ continually reverberating against the gamelan of their collective skulls. Personally I’m hoping Miranda will invite me to the release of Triumph of the Will in 3-D. Warning, Miranda, I only go as far as second base on a first date, although for you I may make an exception, especially if we're watching Leni at work. (Who remembers second base?)
ITEM In another article guaranteed to warm the cockles of many a jaded heart: the US – and by US, I mean a law signed by Mr B. Obama – pledged $30 billion to help an impoverished nation – and by an impoverished nation I mean Israel – 75% of which will be used to buy arms – and by arms, I mean guns, missiles and ammunition all with a ‘Made in America’ logo proudly emblazoned on the respective side of each barrel, warhead or bullet, in case you were wondering. Lest it be too heavily criticised for this action, as part of its new ‘each way bet’ policy, the US is also offering the Palestinian Authority $500 million, of which $100 million will apparently be used to train military personal, some of whom will undeniably be killed by some of the missiles fired at them by Israel paid for with the afforementioned greenbacks. Are you still with me? The really happy news emanating from Washington is that 17% of the total US ‘overseas aid’ budget is weaponry and associated instruction manuals. Folk in Yemen, for example, have been bestowed a $63 million aid bounty – and by aid bounty I mean counter terrorism funding. Meanwhile protestors on either side of the Israeli – Gazan border are wondering if there might be a better way to resolve things, and could we have some cement, please, we’d like to start re-building some of Palestine after the war last year.
ITEM Meanwhile, a certain Prez is undeniably starting to look more like a US President and a little less like the embodiment of hope so many people thought he might be. We’ve watched The West Wing, we’ve read a few Bob Woodward books, we know being the President is hard, but here at the Sadly Moaning Herald we maintain our optimism. We have to. And that is why we presume Mr Obama is still working on plans to battle Congress and push through an agenda of social reform.
Friday 01 January 2010
ITEM Happy New Year to all our readers, or, as the kids are putting it these days with so much great expression and effort: HNY.
ITEM In hot news for the environment, it seems that the last decade was the warmest on record, with 2009 coming in at number three on the annual chart. Some would tell you climate scientist Matthew England’s claim that global fossil fuel emissions have grown 40% since 1990 is ‘just a coincidence.’
ITEM With the release of information held under the thirty year rule, some of the big news in the Herald today comes from 1979... but, er, it’s not that big really. That nice Mr Malcolm Fraser wanted to be humanitarian about boat people back in the day, and suggests that it might be a good idea to keep doing that now. The info from the last year of the 70s also included two black-and-white pictures of the ‘girl in the red bikini’ – a Russian defector who knew how to make a front page, although these days she would have just sent spam emails until some lonely and gullible person paid for her fare and her 'modelling portfolio'. For some reason, possibly sub-editorial laziness, there is also a (colour) picture of Matthew Newton from Underbelly 2 in this section because there was some information released about a crime Terry ‘Mr Asia’ Clarke probably committed.
ITEM In response to purveyors of so-called ‘energy drinks’ who have started to dominate sales in some sections of the supermarket fridge section like a red bull at a gate now comes the antidote: chill fizz. Fresh from SoCal, where apparently marijuana outlets are more plentiful than Starbucks and McDonald’s ‘restaurants’ combined, is the latest must have liquid accessory, slow down drinks. Personally I’d always thought that this was the job of ‘alcohol’, but then I also feel a sense of alarm at the bottle shop watching the young men in the singlets lining up to buy a case of beer, a few bottles of bourbon and a six-pack of something with alarmingly high levels of caffeine in it. The last thing I want them to do just as they’re crashing into alcoholic oblivion is to be roused by a chemical stimulant which will allow them to either a) stagger for the door shouting, ‘Party on, dudes, now, where are the car keys?’ or b) start accusing people of looking at something that it’s now become terribly important that other people don’t look at.
ITEM From the what were they thinking department comes news that at least two of the members of Status Quo have been knighted. Really? Not for service to the music industry, surely. Presumably the tax payers of Britain have run out of other ways to throw their money away. Apparently even the band members themselves were surprised. ‘Us, of all people,’ said band-member Francis Rossi, before pointing out that, ‘You start off rebellious... but you end up being part of the establishment.’ Readers of this article will no doubt be pleased to know that here at the Sadly Moaning Harold we’re still staving off the establishment with long poles even though it sometimes snaps at our heels like a rabid pitbull. Back, conformity! Down, acceptance! Quick, someone find me a fresh idea to throw at it, it’s getting closer!
ITEM Look, it was a quiet day for news, the Herald is a greyhound at this time of the year, so let’s send a prayer for all those who attempted to do good in 2009, a bigger one for those wanting to try again in 10, and hope that the lights are still on in the offices where the important decisions are made.
Previous Issues
December 2009
